EP 90: Back-to-School Hacks for Neurodiverse Children

Please excuse any errors from this autogenerated transcript

Dr Olivia KesselHost

00:06

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your host, dr Olivia, and this is a very special episode our 90th episode. Can you believe it? Time flies when you're on a journey together, navigating the ups and downs of parenting neurodiverse children, whether you're tuning in for the first time or you've been with us from the start. I want to extend a warm welcome to all of you.

01:11

Now we're at that time of year where the long, lazy days of summer are starting to give way to the hustle and bustle of a new school year. For many of us, this is a bittersweet moment, exciting, yet at some times overwhelming. But for those of us with neurodiverse children, the back to school transition can be particularly challenging. I know it always is for us and, let's be honest, it's not just about our kids. It can be for us parents too. This week marks the first full week of school for many children, after easing in with a partial week last week.

01:45

Whether your child is starting a new school, moving from primary to secondary or simply transitioning to a new year, the change can be daunting. I know this from my personal experience because, as many of you know my daughter, alexandra, who's the inspiration behind the Send Parenting podcast, and while we were on summer break, I thought it would be really interesting to get her views on what she's worried about, what she's excited about going back to school. So I'm going to do a little interview with her and then we're going to get back to what are some back to school hacks. So thank you, alexandra.

02:19

I know we haven't actually started school and this podcast is going to air after you've been back at school in a week, but as we're still on summer holidays, I thought it would be kind of helpful for you to share some of the feelings you're having before you go to school and some of the challenges of starting back at school and I think you know, cause you're pretty good at explaining things and maybe it will help other parents to understand what's going through some of their kids' minds and maybe some of your friends' minds too, as they start a new year at school. Now I know you are going from year seven to year eight. What do you think is the most difficult about going to school after summer holidays?

Alexandra KesselGuest

03:01

or any holiday for that matter school after summer holidays, or any holiday for that matter. I find it hard, especially in summer holidays, with the new students, the new teachers, because with my ADHD I find it really hard with change. So just having that, but it will probably be fine. It's just seeing the new students and socializing with them.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

03:23

That makes sense because, actually, after summer holiday, you're starting a new year, so you're in a new classroom, you have a new teacher, you have a new teaching assistant. Everything is new, so it's a whole. It's a lot of change, isn't it? And there's new kids in the class, that the classrooms get mixed up, you have different people that are going to be sitting there. Yeah, that makes total sense. So what are some of the? Let's start with some of the good stuff.

Alexandra KesselGuest

03:47

What are some of the things that you're looking forward to as you start year eight, I hope I can find a good friend and I'm excited about Lambda, which is like an acting kind of thing that we do at school, and to meet different teachers that are teaching me, because in year eight there's two teachers that are going to be teaching us Miss Sayers, who's an art teacher, and Miss Humm, our English teacher, so it's kind of cool to find some new teachers.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

04:16

Yeah, and kind of cool to have two different teachers. So maybe if you like one better than the other, you can, or maybe you'll like both of them. But yeah, kind of cool to have two teachers instead of one. But I also know that there's some things you're kind of a little bit nervous and anxious about. And I think some of your friends are too, because you've you've told me about that too.

Alexandra KesselGuest

04:34

So what? What are some of the things that you're nervous about? Being left out or being left alone? Judgment and, in my head, judgment, because I sometimes think about that and not having my best friend, coco, who I have known since past my old school well, we didn't really know each other, but we went to the same school and we really built up on there. But now she's going into year nine so we won't have the same break times, but next year we will. So I have to suffer twice, because I suffered last year as well. So it's hard.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

05:07

So that's kind of why you're a bit afraid, because usually you spend your break times with Coco, so now you're hoping to find someone new that you can hang with. It's exciting, but it also makes it a little bit nervous. Society, it's scary. It's a whole new atmosphere for you. You know, and I know that year seven was a bit difficult. You were moving from primary to secondary school and it was. It was hard.

Alexandra KesselGuest

05:33

It's a lot of change yeah, it was really hard because it was just yeah, it was. You were having different teachers moving around classrooms and just different schedule and different things.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

05:47

Yeah, and and that's hard, so hopefully it it won't be as different as from year six to year seven, year seven to year eight. Um, and then you know, apart from just school, it's also difficult at home too. How do you feel about getting back into the school routine and being ready to go to school by 7 15 in the morning? I usually wake up at five o'clock in fact, over the holiday people came up 4, 30. Yeah, it's a podcast.

Alexandra KesselGuest

06:14

You don't have to, but let's be truthful here, okay? So what I do in the morning is wake up at five. I know that seems a little early, but for me I like to have my relaxing time. So I have it at five to six ready and then I have to get down four, seven quickly. Get into now. For the past summer holidays I've been laying on the couch and just relax long time in the day and just me having to wake up. Well, well, not wake up.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

06:45

That part's easy.

Alexandra KesselGuest

06:49

To get off of the sofa.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

06:53

And start doing all the lists and stuff that you need to do. In the morning that we have to put all the lists up again. What are the parts of getting ready? How do we get the backpack ready? Yeah, you've been having an easy life, haven't?

Alexandra KesselGuest

07:04

you, I'm getting back and you gonna suffer on the couple of first, but then when I get used, then it's gonna be fine. I'm not gonna be tired, might be tired, but but won't suffer as much as the first few yeah, the first, probably the first, I would say.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

07:20

The first few weeks are a little bit hard, so this is gonna air the second week, and that's kind of when you get tired, the novelty is worn off of going back to school, the excitement's dimmed and it's like oh, and then it's kind of important for mommy, isn't it? Because I'll be like come on, come on, get ready, get ready, get ready. So mommy needs to stay calm, so I can help you stay calm, isn't it?

Alexandra KesselGuest

07:41

Yeah, like also you can help me, like with making me some good breakfast. I can have some good stuff.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

07:53

Yeah, some good news. Oh, you've been listening to me, yeah, so eating nutritious breakfast is super important, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, some good news. Oh, you've been listening to me, yeah, so eating nutritious breakfast is super important, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, because what does that do for you? So?

Alexandra KesselGuest

08:00

then I can't be tired during the day and I don't lose all my energy.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

08:05

Yeah, because it's your fuel, isn't it? It's like your petrol tank. For kids is a good breakfast with protein and yummy stuff. So and I guess if you had any advice for kids that are feeling nervous, worried about going back to school probably all the.

Alexandra KesselGuest

08:20

I'm not saying that every school has this, but usually if you're like in a new school, going back to a school, and you're really nervous about well technically, what I'm saying is about new kids going into school and then I'll explain the kids. But with the new people going to new schools everyone I'm not saying this for every school but everyone will be nice and kind and happy and want to be your friend, and then the people that are at the school probably have friends so they can social with their friends and get through it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost

08:56

That that's how we wish, that's how we kind of wish it is, isn't it yeah?

09:01

yeah, it's a that's a hard one, but um, just to try to think in the positive yeah, yeah, yeah, because, um, sometimes we can let our worries about, oh, I won't have any friends or people won't be any friends. I think that a lot, of, a lot of kids get nervous about that, but maybe, if you think positively that that's the best way to start, that's a really good I think that's really good advice. Well, thank you, alexandra, and I hope both of us survive the start to the school year next couple of weeks and then we'll just be getting into the groove of it and then it'll be half term, yay. All right, thanks for joining me for a little bit on the 10 Parenting Podcast. All right, I hope that was insightful into the mind of a 13 year old girl and her concerns and her positivity and anxiety about starting a new year at school.

09:53

Now let's dive into some of these practical hacks, and I'm going to give you a list of 10 to hopefully help you navigate getting back into school again. And the first one is to start with a visual schedule. You know nerdiverse children and myself as well, who's nerdiverse find comfort in structure, and a visual schedule can really help them to understand what's going to happen each day, remind them of you know what's going on at school, what are the afterschool activities, what is the schedule? It can be a simple chart, you know, depending on what their age is, or it can be a more detailed planner. It can be in their outlook, it can be, you know, using some of the apps out there for time management, but it's really making it age appropriate and making it easy to see and something I really think it's nice to have it printed out because then she can see it and she can see it on her device. So having that link between something you can really visual, see, is important.

10:46

The second hack is preparing as much as you can the night before, because the morning it's going to be hectic, you're going to be working towards a time limit, and so the more that you can prepare at night, the better. So you know laying out the clothes, doing it together, you know what are we going to need for school, having a list of this Okay, we need our skirt, we need our shirt, we need our shoes, we need our socks. And then you know packing the lunch whether you do that or they do that, or you do it together, making sure that the backpack is ready for the next day. We have a checklist downstairs. We have lots of checklists in our house but all of the things that you need to have in the backpack for the next day. So that's all ready to go, and then it helps reduce that morning stress and it just gives you a little bit more of that precious time and so tempers can stay calmer and it's just less of a pressure cooker. Third hack is to incorporate some sensory tools. So a lot of neurodiverse kids have sensory needs and these can be heightened when they're under stress. So giving them access to things like fidget toys if they need noise-canceling headphones, or even, if you know, getting a weighted blanket and this is something that I'm actually planning on doing, I haven't done yet at nighttime to help with anxiety, just to help them self-regulate, is a great way to help keep their nervous systems in balance or to help them to regulate their nervous systems.

12:07

The fourth hack is to use positive reinforcement, and this is a tricky one because you know we're stressed as well as parents. We're trying to get everyone out of the house. It's stressful and sometimes it's you know. You just become a nag and you say over and over can you do this, can you do this? And the tendency is just to get. You know, I don't know, my volume gets louder and louder. Why didn't you hear me the first time? You know that just makes a more stressful environment. But instead, if you can try and think of the positives that you can really say, wow, you did really well there. You know whether that's getting dressed by yourself or eating all of your breakfast, or, my goodness, we actually made it out of the door on time, or, you know, you did your homework. Positive reinforcement builds that confidence and then that makes them feel more secure in their new routine. You know, like I've got this, I can do this versus the pressure cooker. That sometimes happens when you're trying to. You know you're just losing it to try and get them out of the house and get them out for the day, and then they're anticipating that the next day and it just kind of it becomes a vicious circle. So stepping away from that and using positive reinforcement for the wins makes it calmer in the long run.

13:16

The fifth one is breaking down tasks, and I know I've said this many times on the podcast before, but like my daughter says, she goes mommy, I can't follow more than one instruction. So breaking down things into smaller chunks for neurodiverse kids is super, super important, because a big task even just getting ready for school in the morning there's so much to it it can feel overwhelming. So breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps and that's also in the case of their homework Sometimes the teachers will get pages and pages of homework Breaking it down and breaking down what you're going to do and then rewarding each little step along the way to get to that end goal makes it much more manageable. Step along the way to get to that end goal makes it much more manageable and it really helps our kids who are delayed with their executive functioning and they need that help, they need that support, they need the scaffolding. And then it's through repetition and it's through that positive reinforcement that we start to develop and their executive functioning skills start to progress.

14:16

The sixth hack is make sure you have a calm space in your house where your child can decompress. I have one upstairs in my daughter's room. It has a beanbag. She's got a swing even in her room and it's just a place where she can go. There's no distractions. It's got poppet toys and her stuffed animals and it's just a place. It's got like furry pillows and stuff like that, lots of different sensory pillows. It's a place where she can just let her nervous system calm down. She's been in a busy school environment and just it's her place to recalibrate.

14:53

The seventh tip is you know, if your child is nervous about things and new routines and new social situations, try practice doing some role-playing. Now, this is not always easy to do with kids. I'm lucky. My daughter loves drama, so if I pretend like it's a drama thing and not too close to what she's feeling or the situation that she's in, that she's struggling with, but we make it into a kind of imaginary but kind of hitting on the things that she's finding challenging, and then we start role-playing and that can make her feel a lot less anxious and also she'll come and think of different solutions and ways that she can handle things. And then when she's at school, maybe in a difficult social situation or, you know, finding it difficult with a new teacher she can then remember that oh, we've gone through some of these things. Maybe. These are some of the things I can use now in the situation. It doesn't always work, but it does make it less daunting.

15:47

The eighth thing and this is really important is set up a communication system with your teachers, and this is also hard for parents. I mean, I don't know what the email address is. It takes me a while to find the email address of the teachers and this year there's going to be two teachers, so who do I talk to? But getting that open line of communication so that you can alert them when your child's had a bad night or they're really struggling to get to school or if they've had a really good day, because I think it's also important to feedback positive and not inundate them, but just make sure that they're on the same page and that you guys are helping each other to understand what the home situation is and then also what it is at school, so that you're working as a team. And it's really important and actually every teacher that I've done this with has always been really positive about it. I'm not writing them reams or over-communicating with them, which I'm sure would be very frustrating, but just, you know, touching base with them and making sure that we have that communication, especially when things are going a little bit wrong, but also when things are working and when they've made some adjustments and it's really helped.

16:50

The ninth tip is sometimes it's helpful if they have a transition object, and that you know my daughter would love to bring in her bunny, that she loves to bits and pieces to school with her, but they, you know she's not allowed to in secondary school. So something like a small object, you know, when they're younger they can probably come in still with their, with an animal or or or something that's a stuffed animal, but you know, something like a key chain or a favorite pen at home or a favorite crystal in my daughter's sense, she loves those as well and that. So when she's at school she can, you know, can be in her pocket, she can feel it, and she knows that she's still linked to home. We actually have necklaces. We got matching necklaces with a heart on them. Okay, she's not allowed to wear necklaces at school either, but I tell her to hide it under her shirt. So I just tell her to feel it.

17:41

And and then the final, but definitely not the least, and one of the most important things is to really prioritize sleep for your child and for you, because good sleep is crucial for a good next day. So they already might be feeling overwhelmed, they're going to be more anxious, sleep is going to be more difficult. I did an episode during the summer on sleep, which is worth a listen, of how you can utilize different tools to make sure that you have a consistent bedtime routine, what supplements you can use, like melatonin, and how you can really you know get your child into a good sleep cycle, because it makes such a difference the next day in terms of the energy levels, the ability to cope. It's just, it's, it's underline, underline, highlight, highlight good sleep and good nutrition are so, so, so important. Now, those are the hacks.

18:30

But I also wanted to touch on another topic which some parents might really be struggling with right now, and that's what if your child is refusing to go back to school? And this is a super tough situation and I know it's something that I've struggled with at points and a lot of other parents have struggled with. And you know, the first thing is and sometimes also the school can put a lot of pressure now on attendance, and I had that last year of my daughter too with them, you know, saying that you know her attendance rate isn't good enough and she needs to, and I was like you know that extra pressure that they put on me. I then, unfortunately, leaked that out on my daughter and I was like you have to get dressed, you have to go to school, and I was, you know, dressing her. She was 12, there's no point, you know, it was just horrible. It was not a situation that I'm proud of.

19:17

And actually, you know, after forcing her to go to school and you know, having her come home and then in a calmer state, just I'm picking with her why she didn't want to go to school and the reasons behind it, and then just saying, you know, mommy's never going to force you to go to school again, because I understand that you're having a really hard time socially at school right now and that you need some help to navigate that. And I understand that until I can find that support for you at school, you don't want to go back, and that's understandable. And I reached out to her school and at the time they said you know it's, you know, not something that we can handle until after the. This time was Easter holidays, easter holidays. And I said well, you know, then she's not going to come to school until we get this sorted out, because it is untenable for her and she is really unhappy. And you know what I have to say. They stepped up, they understood the what a crisis we were in, you know, and I don't think they did in the beginning, but then you know cause she was masking at school, and so they weren't understanding how, how, how upsetting it was for her. And then they put stuff in place and they put support for her at her break times, talked with her about it, brought the therapy dog out and really helped her and she changed from a girl that didn't want to go to school to a girl that wants to go to school.

20:34

So I think, first of all, I don't think we should force our kids to go to school. We need to. You know, we want them to be happy and wanting to go to school and if they're not, we need to find out the root cause of why they're not and get the school on board to help us to navigate those challenges so that they can feel comfortable and safe in their environment. And as their parent, we have to be that safe person. We can't send them somewhere where they're not feeling safe or they're feeling incredibly unhappy. You know, just forcing them doesn't work, and this pressure from the school systems to have attendance at all costs is, I think, something that really needs to be questioned. You know there are lots of resources at schools, there are lots of supports that can be put into place, you know. So we're going to be talking to someone next week who will also, you know, talk about some of the legal rights of of children at school, and that's important too, but it it fundamentally needs to be a safe environment for your child.

21:28

So, for all of the parents that are out there struggling, I, I feel you, um, I know the pressure, but, you know, stay true to yourself, listen to your child, have an open conversation with them about their fears and concerns and then really, you know, open those lines of communication with the school. They're there, they're seeing it, but they don't know your child like you know your child. So, start the communication, get the support in place. And I said to my daughter too, I said, you know it's not going to be an easy fix, but I need you to come on this journey with me. You need to trust that mommy's going to find it a way to make it better and with your school, and we will get there. But I, you know, not going to school isn't the solution. Let's find a way to make a solution at school, and you know it did work. So, um, that's really positive, and sometimes you know if she needs a day off school. She needs a day off school. Anyone probably getting in trouble for saying that on the podcast, but I think sometimes they're they. They just need a break and a reset.

22:21

So I hope you've enjoyed and thank you so much for joining me on this really special 90th episode of the Zen Parenting Podcast. I hope these tips can help you and your child as you navigate the new school year. If you found today's episode helpful, please share it with other parents who also might benefit and, as always, feel free to reach out to me with your own questions or stories or things you want to have answered. But next week I wanted to share with you.

22:49

We have a really great guest, alex, who is one of the lawyers at IPSI, which stands for Independent Provider of Special Education Advice, and they are a leading charity in the field of SEND law in England and their purpose is to help parents navigate the SEND system within education and what your child's rights are and what they're legally entitled to. They are an incredible resource which I wish I had known about a few years ago when I was struggling all by myself, scraping up the money to hire a solicitor when this resource they teach you and they empower you with knowledge and it was really super interesting on their website, which I would recommend visiting before the podcast next week is you know, I didn't realize, but there are. They have a real-time data kind of stream and there are 1.6 million students in England with SEND and of those, 575,963 at the last time I looked have an EHCP and 98% of families that went to a SEND tribunal ended up being in favor of the families. So you know it's just a motto to keep fighting, but these people can really and Alex is just. You know it's just a motto to keep fighting, but these people can really and Alex is just. You know she has a wealth of experience, both personally with her child and also professionally, volunteering and then working with Ipsy, to really you know she's like.

24:10

If you're empowered with the facts and you know what your legal rights are, it can really help you to navigate and to help educate other people in education so that you can get the best out of education for your child. So I definitely would recommend listening and recommend checking them out. So until next week, wishing you and your family a wonderful week where you know that this hard time will pass and it'll come back again too. But each time it'll get easier as you put some of those hacks into place and you realize that just it's going to be a bit tougher when you have change and transitions. Wishing you all a great week ahead. Thank you,