EP 86: Managing emotional and physical outbursts during the summer holidays with Dr Olivia Kessel

Please excuse any errors from this autogenerated transcript

Dr Olivia KesselHost

00:06

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Welcome back to our summer pocket rocket series on Bite Size Podcast, where we address the real challenges and opportunities of raising neurodiverse children. I'm Dr Olivia Kessel and in this second week we're going to tackle a tough but essential topic coping with an increase in emotional and violent outbursts during the holiday period. I'd like to share a personal story with myself and my daughter, alexandra, who has ADHD, and we faced our fair share of dramatic emotional and physical meltdowns and we still do. If I'm honest, the word no is not one she likes to hear, and as she's grown older and stronger, the physical aspects of these outbursts have become more intense and, frankly, can sometimes be quite scary for both of us Kicking, biting, throwing things, lashing out and she's got some strength now behind her and she even doesn't really recollect what's gone on in her rage. And these holidays, I think with the breaks in routine, the added stimuli can definitely see an increase in these behaviors. So what can we do about it? How can we understand the challenge that we're facing with our children so that we can understand what's going on? Why do these outbursts happen, particularly in neurodiverse children?

01:59

Research has shown that self-regulation can be especially challenging for children with ADHD, autism and other neurodiverse conditions. The brain regions responsible for self-control and emotional regulation are in the prefrontal cortex and they may develop differently or be delayed in development in neurodiverse children. This makes it harder for them to manage their emotions and impulses. Factors like difficulty with transitions, having a lack of sleep and the inherent nature of neurodiversity can exasperate these challenges. During the holidays, the usual structure and routines are disrupted, leading to increased anxiety and difficulty managing their emotions, and I think it's really important to understand the scientific basis of this, because then we're able to see that our children aren't just acting out or being naughty. They're actually really struggling and the developmental differences in their brains are making it more challenging than another child, let's say, of the same age and that can also become challenging when you're on holiday with parents or friends and they don't understand why your child is behaving so differently. So I think it's helpful, and I've done this with my dad and with my partner. I have actually, you know, I've sent them clips and videos and shown them why my daughter might struggle and might have more emotional outbursts, both physical and verbal.

03:27

And one person that I recommend them watching for the medical insight is Dr Russell Barkley, and he's got a YouTube channel that I would highly recommend. He's a leading expert on ADHD. He's now retired but he does YouTubes and I just find him. He just cuts. He cuts through the nonsense and he really relies on the research and the science to explain what's going on. And he explains that children with ADHD have an impaired executive function, which is controlled by your prefrontal cortex, which affects their ability to control their behavior and emotions.

04:03

Their executive functioning skills, including self-regulation, are about 30% delayed to their peers, so that means they're about 30% younger and as they get older that gap gets actually wider because it's 30% of a bigger age. Similarly, children on the autism spectrum also have developmental differences in their prefrontal cortex, impacting their executive functions. This can result in challenges with self-control and managing their emotions. They can struggle with sensory overload and changes in routine leading to increased frustration and emotional outbursts. So I think, as a parent, understanding that first of all, for me was a key to unlock a door where it could calm me down, where I understood that this is not something that they're in control of, this is something that they're developmentally delayed with and this is something that I need to help, support and navigate. So how can we help our kids, you know, and ourselves for that matter, keep staying? So I'm going to talk about a couple of strategies for managing outbursts. How can we navigate these challenging moments in a way that we can be proud of? And I'll be honest with you before learning the science and this, I would sometimes also lose my emotional regulation and meet my daughter in dysregulation, and that doesn't work.

05:22

So understanding where your child's coming from and then learning how to manage it is really powerful, because it gives you the tools so that you can keep on an even even calm space. So the first thing is what triggers your child, you know? Start by observing and noticing the warning signs, the triggers of escalation, so common triggers which we've kindly mentioned already, which come more frequently in the holiday season, are changes in routine sensory overload, hunger or fatigue. All of these things can happen on holidays or when you're traveling, and by identifying these things you can sometimes prevent an outburst before it even starts. And for my daughter, one of the things that's really challenging often is also transitions, and so how to navigate transitions from one situation to another can be important. But you know, even recognizing the triggers and trying to, you know, stop them from happening, it's impossible. So understand that you're not going to be able to stop them all from happening.

06:24

So what do you do when an explosion happens? And the first thing that is, safety has to be a priority both for you and your child, and that you can calmly address the situation. And if you get to a point where you are losing your control and it happens, okay, we're all human, it's happened to me too you need to avoid arguing with your child or meeting them in their emotional dysregulation. Take yourself away, take a moment, go outside, go in the bathroom We've discussed on this podcast and there's great podcasts you can listen to on tapping. Whatever it is you need to do to calm down, because you need to be the calm one and avoid arguing with your child. Don't try to reason with them when they're having a meltdown. They cannot hear you. Instead, find a safe place where they can calm down or do something with them that helps them to calm down.

07:20

Now I've talked to a lot of other mothers. Some use humor if it's at the right place, or distraction if it's at the right place, and sometimes you just can't find that right place and it just kind of has to burn out and then you're there for them and giving them that space to calm down, that safe space where they can calm down, is really important. Using pets is another example. My daughter will really calm down when she's petting her dog. So, finding the things that really take time, take them to that calm space and not incite them to get more into the meltdown, if that makes sense. So once you get them into a calm space, what do you do? Post kind of the outburst? What kind of strategies can you do then? So once your child is calm and I mean really calm and you've gotten to a good place, it could even be hours later or even the next day.

08:17

Sometimes my daughter won't remember that far in the future, but try to discuss what's happened and help by asking them how they felt and what was going on in them. Not telling them, not telling them where they went wrong, but helping them to identify how they were feeling and what led them to feeling that way and what caused, kind of from their perspective, the outburst, and really using it as a learning moment for you to better understand them. Not for you to tell them how to better behave or what they did wrong or why they shouldn't do that. It's really getting them to get in touch with their emotions and what triggers them and how to deal with it better. And for my daughter, she'll say mommy, I really don't like it when you tell me no, and I know that, and so we've talked about that. It's my job sometimes as a mom that I have to say no, but maybe there's other ways that I could do it instead of saying no. What I've learned is giving choice is really important. So we could do this or we could do that. Which one would you like to do? And that works much better than me saying we can't do this, you have to do that, which is like a red flag to a bull. So, understanding your child and understanding what escalates their emotions and getting them to help to verbalize that can be a really great learning space for both of you, and then you can identify it the next time too, and then you can both start to see when things start to spiral out of control. And my daughter now knows, you know, when she doesn't get a good night's sleep and she is tired or she is hungry, that those are puts her in a place where things are going to upset her much more easily and she can identify that. And so we then both are on the same page where it's like we have to go to bed early tonight and we have to get a good night's sleep.

10:03

As I also mentioned, it's really important to find the calm spaces for your child and what works for them in terms of calming down and what self-regulation techniques work for them. So in our house I've put some beanbags together, a little rug on the floor and that's her designated calm space where she can go when she's feeling overwhelmed. It's got fidget toys in it, you know she can put on her Alexa to listen to music. She's learned another podcast that we did with Rebecca Averin with acupuncture. We're doing acupuncture now and actually the acupuncturist has taught her some pressure points that she can use to calm herself down and some lavender scent as well. She also knows tapping, but she prefers me to do the tapping than for her to do it herself.

10:51

Breathing doesn't work for my daughter. She just, you know, closing her eyes and meditating doesn't work for her. So you have to find what works for your child and what calms them down, and the more that, as they get older, that they can do that independently without you having to be involved. It gives them a tool that they can use outside of the home setting as well. So it's a trial and error and they'll tell you what works and what doesn't work. And it's really powerful to. We actually have an appointment tomorrow with the acupuncturist and my daughter said well, I haven't really been needing to do the calm down stuff to go to sleep, mommy, but it's been really helpful when I've gotten upset. We've just been to France on holiday. When I've gotten upset, using those pressure points have really helped me to calm back down again. So that self-realization and that growth has been really wonderful to see.

11:43

Recognizing the warning signs and triggers, that puts you ahead of the game. As I said, it's not always possible, but if you watch them, you can see increased agitation, maybe getting a little snappy, with you pacing around clenching their fists, knowing the signs, you know. Uh, reading that weather vane, so to speak, is really important because if you can catch it before it goes into a, you can get to calm this beforehand. So the earlier you intervene, the better, and once it has gotten into a full blown one, it's really just about getting back to a calm space again. The key things not to do is really never respond to aggression with aggression and I know that's sometimes easier said than done. I know my daughter has.

12:40

Sometimes, I'll be quite honest, reach out and grab my boob and it's hurt so badly that you almost want to smack back and you just can't. You have to hold on, no matter how much it might hurt. You need to stay as calm as possible and if you need to take a moment because they've thrown a chair at you or kicked at you or whatever it is that's hurt and you're now in a fight or flight situation, take yourself away, know where your places are. What you need to do to calm down because you need to be the calm person here. You have to, no matter what's happened and if you yell or if you retaliate with physical punishment, it's just going to make the situation worse and it's going to damage the relationship with your child. So it's a lose-lose situation. And so the techniques that we are teaching our children also are great techniques for us as adults, and I've said this before, and we will have a thing on self-care. But find ways to release your tensions so that you can be calm and be there for your child.

13:51

So I've come up with three simple strategies to survive the summer holidays, to kind of help with this. First is maintain a routine wherever you are, whether you're on holiday, at home or if you're traveling somewhere. Try to keep a consistent daily schedule, even in the holidays, because predictability can reduce anxiety and provide a sense of security. Second, incorporate physical activity for you and your child, because it helps burn off that excess energy, it reduces stress, it releases happy hormones and find things that they really enjoy and that they can participate in regularly. We have a pool that you can go to near our house. We can both go swimming in it, I can do laps, she can do laps. Sometimes we go on her bike and I go running. Find ways that you can physically release some of the energy and anxiety and then communicate and prepare with your child. So really communicate clearly about plans and transitions.

14:53

We this holiday went to an Airbnb. I showed her the pictures of her room, I explained what was going to happen, how we were going to go from one place to the other, and created a story around what we were going to do and how that routine was going to change. But a lot of the routine that we have at home. I actually overlaid that in our holiday in terms of how we got ready in the morning, when we had our meals, when we went to bed, keeping that regular schedule. So, listen, it's not easy and everyone's going to make mistakes, but hopefully some of the points that we've made in this podcast today about how to navigate the summer holidays will help you in your terms of your understanding, help you to prepare and give you some patience and to know that you're not alone.

15:39

We all struggle with this and being a parent of a neurodiverse child is much more challenging and you know what. But it also it teaches us great strength and it's taught me a great wealth of calmness that I didn't even know I could tap into. That I now am able to tap into and if you implement some of these strategies, you can really help your child on their journey because their executive functioning skills will develop and as we go through these strategies they'll start to develop better self-regulation and they'll be able to create ways to create how to take themselves, realize what their triggers are and how to take themselves to from a place of being really out of control to calming down. And you know, step by step it's little by little and you know you'll, you'll take some steps forward and think, wow, I've got this. And whenever I, whenever I say to myself, oh, I've got this, I know how to manage Alexandra, something will happen and it will blow up in my face a huge pump in the road, how to manage an Alexandra, something will happen and it will blow up in my face a huge pump in the road. But you know what. That's okay. You learn from that, you implement the strategies and you move on. And each holiday it gets better and better. I've had holidays where I've had the owner of the hotel come and tell me that I needed to take my child out of the hotel because her dysregulation was waking up the holiday guests Didn't have that this time, so huge improvement. So there we go, so step-by-step, it will become more peaceful and there's always going to be bumps in the road and to learn how to deal with those.

17:10

So thank you for joining me today on Bite Size Pocket Rocket Podcast. Stay tuned for more insights and strategies in our Summer Pocket Rocket series. Together, we can change these challenging moments into opportunities for growth and connection. Thank you for listening. Send Parenting Tribe Tune in next week when we continue with our Summer Pocket Rocket series to talk about why sleep is so important for our children and exercise, especially during the summer holidays. We'll dig into the science behind it and also some of the strategies and solutions that you can implement in the summer holidays. Looking forward to you joining us next week. In the meantime, wishing you a calm and happy summer break. You.

06:33