EP 75: Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - Bitesize Summaries

Please excuse any errors in this autogenerated transcript

Dr Olivia KesselHost00:06

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, I'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, I've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. In this bite-sized episode, my co-host Tamsyn and I are going to discuss key takeaway points from episode 35 last year, exploring tapping or EFT, with Emma Wildgoose to help our children reduce their feelings of anxiety, stress and fear. Next week I will have Emma back on the show with her sister Laura to discuss how they've adapted tapping and are taking it into primary schools to help teachers, parents and, most importantly, students reduce their anxiety levels. So welcome back, tamsen. It's so wonderful to co-host with you. Looking at our bite-sized summaries, which I've had feedback, they're really, really helpful. Especially if people are busy or if they have a neurodiversity themselves, having these summaries really helps in terms of being able to absorb the information. So thank you because you make it easy to discuss and get to the heart of what was really key in the different podcasts.

01:44

And today we're going to be talking about EFT or emotional freedom technique, which Emma Wild Goose did a really good job in episode 35, I think it was of talking about how that technique is used and it's pretty straightforward.

01:58

If I can just summarize it in a couple sentences, it's basically combining gentle self-tapping on certain pressure points while also using words to describe your emotions, your anxieties or your fears, and in that technique which is kind of stimulating your acupressure points while also releasing that fear and anxiety or emotion. And it's interesting because most of the research to date has been in post-traumatic stress disorder, which you can imagine, those individuals are in a really strong fight or flight kind of response from the trauma that they have experienced and the research is quite stunning actually in terms of how much it just decreases their cortisol levels or their stress response, how it reduces depression and mooring and how it actually boosts their happiness and their immune markers. So it doesn't take a huge leap of faith to then say, okay, if it works for this population, could it work for neurodiverse children. And Emma did a good job of kind of going through some of the clients that she's had, where it has helped and what was your take on her description of EFT?

Tamsyn HendryCo-host03:04

Yeah, well, I was really taken by her podcast because my son has huge amounts of anxiety, so I'm always looking for those tools that are on him that don't require fidget toys or, you know, additional props to support with that. So your breath is one and your hands are another. They're always there. Support with that. So your breath is one and your hands are another. They're always there. Um, and it was. I found it interesting because you very much came from the um, the western perspective of wanting to understand it from a medical perspective, and I'm actually really I like the eastern technique even even, uh, and I actually spoke to Emma myself to make an appointment with my son. But even if you think it's a placebo, even if people don't believe in it, a placebo can have amazing….

Dr Olivia KesselHost03:52

It's 50% effective actually. So I mean, just taking a sugar, pull our own minds will get better, convince ourselves to get better. And so any drug has to be more than 50% effective, because actually 50% of the time placebo works.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host04:07

And what was even more interesting that I took away from that is I'd also listened to a podcast that you'd done before about, and I've been really interested in anxiety medication and actually how unsuccessful that is.

04:19

So when you look at tapping in comparison, actually the success rate is huge and also it really made sense to me, tapping on and breaking up these meridians in the body and the mind. So the main thing I took away from it was what have any of us got to lose? Yeah, and that it's such a robust system. It doesn't have to be perfect, which is brilliant in the world of neurodiversity. That doesn't have to be perfect because then any of us can do it, and I think it's quite a bonding thing to do with your child Often. We've had lots of conversations and I've heard you have lots of conversations with other people where you simply just don't know what to do sometimes simply just don't know what to do sometimes. So actually having a go-to toolbox and having tapping in your toolbox certainly for me feels really exciting and I'm really committed to explore that further.

Dr Olivia KesselHost05:13

It's so true, and you know I'm actually as a clinician. I believe that there's a great magic that happens when you combine East and West technology. You know together the two of them. What is that weird noise? My phone I love the way your face was going like where should we go from?

Tamsyn HendryCo-host05:37

okay?

Dr Olivia KesselHost05:38

okay, okay, so okay, I'll start from. I love the combination, okay, so, yeah, okay, all right. I love the combination of Eastern and Western medicine because there's a synergy that happens and you know, I lived in California for many years, which is known as a place that kind of combines those two. My mom went through cancer care, unable to take, you know, prescribed medication for pain, but she could have an acupressurist acturist, excuse me come in and treat her pain and she said it was like she was in a bubble of not feeling that pain, but she also needed the medical intervention as well. So I think there's some magic that happens there.

06:14

And when I listened to Emma, I was struggling with my daughter, with her sleep, and I thought you know what, let me just give it a try. I hadn't had any training on it, but in her example she said you know, a little kid was able to do it at school. So I figured you know what, and I'm a doctor, maybe I can do this. So I printed out the sheet and we went to bed. And every night, when we go to bed and trying to go to sleep, there's my daughter talks about what she's you know. Okay, talk to me about what you're anxious about, talk to me about what you're nervous about, and mommy's going to do this tapping thing on you while you talk it through.

06:53

And she just got tireder and tireder and tireder and she passed out, basically. And the next night, when I went to do it again, I said what did you think about that? And she said well, it makes me really tired, mommy, and I'm like that's what I want, I want her to. You know, we have the whole bedtime routine. It doesn't? You know? We do it every night. We can't deviate from it. But you know what? It doesn't actually really help her go to sleep, but the tapping actually, you know, made a difference.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host07:18

And also I think it takes it back into the moment. I think again, we're all guilty. I'm certainly guilty of using too many words, even when I know the words aren't going to be the most helpful thing. Everybody, every therapy, will tell you to reduce your language, but it's really hard when you're dealing with a child that's distressed, so actually you can still feel you're doing something.

07:39

Yeah, that's a very good point Overloading their mind with more words, because actually often they don't want you to fix it, they just want you to listen. And it's really hard to just listen, whereas I think for me clapping helps you hold that space a bit better.

Dr Olivia KesselHost07:53

That's a really good point, because you're actually active and actually I was concentrating, okay, I've got to do this one, then I've got to do this one, I mean. So it had me partially, you know, it had my energy diverted into that and then she was just letting, letting it out, yeah. So I mean I I thought it was, uh, it's so easy to do and I think that's the no brainer of it. It's such an easy thing to do and the we have the sheet on the on the send parentingcom website so anyone can print it off. But the other thing I thought was really interesting was that Emma brought up that she actually doesn't treat the children first, she treats the parents.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host08:28

Really interesting and I spoke to her because, like I say, I've explored so many things over the years and actually lots of them make it worse. So I think, okay, I'm going to do aromatherapy, and then he can become obsessed by the smells and that becomes ritualistic. So I'm really wary of and I looked at this in all forms and thought, actually I don't actually think anything can go wrong here, because if it doesn't work for him, it doesn't work for him. But I'm not introducing a, an aid or an adaption. I don't need to find anything or lose anything or well worried whether you can take it to school or not. So it was a really, really transferable um, really really transferable skill.

Dr Olivia KesselHost09:13

Sorry, I've forgotten what you said then, that I was responding just about uh, you know, you know to respond to you as well. Like what? Um, it's something like my daughter. Sometimes I'll say to her let's do it, and she'll be like, no, I don't want to do it and that's, that's fine, and other times she will want to do it, so it's also using it as a tool. It's not a panacea that's going to solve all your anxiety problems with your children, but it is something you can use in that toolbox that you mentioned.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host09:45

And sometimes it can be very effective. Yeah, thank you, you reminded me. So what I we've talked before that I enter this narrative with my son about his health. That's where his anxiety starts, and sometimes I think it's not that he is particularly feeling anxious about his health, but we've got into this pattern. So to connect with me, he's now got into a pattern of talking to me about his health, whereas actually this has given us a different way to connect yeah, so and a positive way to connect.

10:05

So I'm noticing more than more often than him saying can I tell you about how I'm feeling? I'm feeling really anxious, my tummy hurts or whatever it might be, or I think I have COVID or whatever he's worried about. Um, he's saying to me I feel really worried, can we tap? Oh, that's great, so, and so it's. But all these things they don't solve overnight. You have to keep offering it as a solution all the time. You know you could do it two evenings. I think. They say it's 28 days to create a habit. Yeah, and it's the same when we're working with our children, we have to remind ourselves to use it. And it takes, it takes time, um, but I just think it was um I for whether you've got ADHD, whether you've got autism, whether you've got sensory processing, whatever's going on.

Dr Olivia KesselHost10:52

Most neurodiverse people are dysregulated and so this is a tool that can cover every condition and hopefully, be positive, and I think you know that dysregulation and parents are often neurodiverse as well, and when Emma was, what we were talking about before was about how she treats the parents first, because actually our dysregulation makes our children's dysregulation so much more worse, and you know it's. I had another morning like this, this morning actually with my daughter, which you know I had to reflect back on that 30% and you only have to be a good parent 30% of the time, because you know I missed it this morning, because when they start to emotionally dysregulate, you start to emotionally dysregulate. It can happen and it does happen. And so I liked the way Emma looked at okay, let's look at the parent and getting them to get their emotions out while tapping. So I think there's also that try it on yourself.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host11:48

Yeah, and also she said a lovely phrase and it's a really powerful phrase, I think which is she wants to bear witness to your story, because actually being heard is so powerful and we think we're okay, we think we've got it all covered and we've got used to it, and we're okay.

12:06

You know, we, we think we've got it, we've got it all covered and we've got used to it, and we're quite far on our journey and and actually we're okay. But our children know us as well as we know them, you know, so we can look at our child and see they're dysregulated and they don't even know yet. And I'm sure it's the same way. I'm sure it's the same way when they look at us and think you're not okay. And I know, you know, we were putting the Christmas tree up last night and it was just not the right evening for me to be putting the Christmas tree up and my son kept saying you okay, mummy, and I say yes, lovely, lovely, you're having such a lovely time and it's. And so they. You know, we can fool ourselves that we're okay.

12:45

We can't fool them and actually by someone bearing witness to our story, which is often quite complicated and sad as well as happy. I think that alone, without the zapping, is amazing.

Dr Olivia KesselHost13:01

Yeah, and to have that release yourself. And just in terms of modeling as well which we've discussed as well and it's come up a lot in podcasts is if you're showing your child that you're using this technique to help yourself as well, then they pick up on that and say, well, maybe you know I will try it too, because mommy's doing it and it's really powerful. So I think you know it's simple, it's easy, it's cheap and there's no side effects.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host13:24

No, absolutely, and more and more schools are using it from what Emma talked about, which was so lovely to hear as part of their behavioral curve and understanding how to manage behavior. I've heard lots of your podcasts about children being locked in cupboards. Well, surely tapping has got to be a better solution to that and again, it can be within their local offer, a graduated response. They can do it with all the children every day because, yeah, quite frankly, neurodiverse or not, we, all of our children, need help with mental health, and that's becoming increasingly obvious as time goes on. And giving them tools to help themselves, um, you know it's, it's so robust. Emma would have to come in once.

Dr Olivia KesselHost14:05

All schools can teach themselves online yeah, exactly, and I know there's a school locally who's really ahead of the curve on this too, and it it also teaches you to recognize when you need to do something like that, which I think is key too, because it's it's intervening before it gets to that huge fight or flight response. It's it's a step before that. Um, so it I think kids respond, and if a kid can teach another child how to do it, how wonderful is that you?

Tamsyn HendryCo-host14:31

know, yeah, and I love that she talked a lot about that ripple effect of, you know, one child teaching another child, who teaches another, who teaches another, but, and that in itself is going to make a child feel good because I know like if I say to my daughter, you know, calm down or take a deep breath, she literally I might as well be lighting, you know, an explosion.

14:54

Yeah, and the same for us, and I think we can all be guilty of saying it will be okay, don't worry, come on, let's go and do some cooking or let's go in. But actually they just want to talk about how they feel, and it can be disempowering for parents to think I've got all this in place, I fought half this provision, they're seeing all the right therapists, but still they're feeling like this. And actually they are. They are. There's something they need to live with, something they need to learn to live with. Um. So the best thing we can do is give them, give them these tools that are on them all the time and their hands are always going to be on them. Yeah exactly um.

15:34

So what did you feel her her top, or what were your top three takeaways from it?

Dr Olivia KesselHost15:40

I think my top three takeaways were one that the parent needs to actually treat themselves first before you know. That goes back to the kind of oxygen mask analogy that we've used before you know. Until you can regulate yourself and let your own, you know, manage your own emotions, using this technique, you're of no value to the child and, interestingly, then sometimes the child doesn't even need the tapping, which I also thought was interesting, you know, but I still think it's an important tool to teach them because we, you know you, our emotions go up and down. And then the second tip for me was really that it's so easy and simple to use. And the third one was that anyone you know that I can do this at home without any training.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host16:20

Yeah, you know, Um, and I think the only one I'd add to that is that, um, just as a a kind of um to help people understand it. It makes emotions, it's very tangible, it makes them tangible for the child, it makes them tangible for you and actually it offers a being in it with them, without absorbing everything they're feeling and without feeling that you need to fix it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost16:46

Yeah, it's a safe space where it's the tapping and it's them speaking. That's it. Yeah, it's a safe space where it's the tapping and it's them speaking. That's it. Yeah, it's very simple.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host16:52

Yeah, and what do you think her? So I felt that she had some really three really clear takeaways. Why don't you share those Tamsin? Yeah? So first one, exactly what you said put your own oxygen mask on. You know, before you can help you need to. There's no point being absolutely furious and dysregulated and tapping on a child. It's not going to be helping.

Dr Olivia KesselHost17:18

Visions of this morning dancing through my head.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host17:22

Yeah, Stepping back and allowing your child to name, acknowledge and accept their feelings, those three things naming them, acknowledging and accepting them. And I'm really guilty my son might say I'm really sad and I'm really guilty of saying you don't seem sad, you seem really angry. But actually allowing him to name it and just accept that. That's his interpretation right now of how he's feeling. And the tapping and talking at night that I felt that she was, really she was. It came across to me that that was a really important time to to do it yeah, I agree.

Dr Olivia KesselHost17:59

So I mean I couldn't, I couldn't be more, you know, more encouraging of people to give it a try. You know nothing, venture nothing gained and to be open.

Tamsyn HendryCo-host18:07

we've all got to be open-minded with our children, you know, and to teach them. And when we've got children that are so rigid in their thought processes, often teaching them, let's just try, who knows, let's just give it a try. That in itself is a positive step.

Dr Olivia KesselHost18:22

I agree, all right. Well, thank you so much, tamsin. I think that. So that sums up EFT in bite-sized format for everybody. Thank you for joining us. You're welcome. Thanks for having me. Thank you for listening. Send Parenting Tribe. Please, if you're listening in Apple Podcasts, search for the Send Parenting Show, scroll down to the bottom and please, please, please rate us.

18:43

Your reviews will make the podcast visible to more parents who might be feeling really alone right now on their SEND journey. Stay tuned next week for the podcast with Emma and Laura and their quest to bring down anxiety in primary age children in school, using tapping as one of the tools in their toolbox. Definitely not an episode to miss.