EP 33: Guidance for Mums on How to Achieve Self-Care even in the Holidays

Speaker Kate Flowerdew

Please excuse any errors as this transcript has been automatically generated

Dr Olivia KesselHost00:05

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, i'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in a UK education system, i've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never talked to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast, i will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. Self-care is so important, yet it's often the least important thing on a mom's to-do list. The consequences of this may not be initially evident, but it actually changes the way we are able to cope, nurture and support our neurodiverse children. Self-care becomes even less evident during the school holidays, when we are trying, as moms, to juggle kids at home work commitments and having them 24-7.

01:16

In this episode we will be speaking with Kate Flowerdew, a qualified nutritionist who specializes in self-care and has created the self-care accelerator for busy moms. Kate's target audience is moms who are feeling stretched to the limit, overloaded and emotionally drained so much of the time. Does this sound familiar? It certainly rang some bells for me. Listen on to hear how it's possible to carve out some self-care for yourself. But welcome, kate, to the Send Parenting Podcast. It's wonderful to have you on the show today because this topic of moms actually doing self-care is so important but yet so neglected. I have to be honest, especially when you're dealing with neurodiverse kids, it is super important that you do self-care because you have to make sure that your emotional regulation is really in a good place because otherwise you can't help your child. That's often forgotten about, i think from moms. I think the first thing, because I don't think people actually know. I think some moms even and myself, include what is self-care? Great question.

Kate FlowerdewHost02:33

Thank you so much for having me along. This is a topic that I'm so, so passionate about, and even more so since becoming a mom. Self-care I think it's a bit of a buzzword at the moment on lots of levels, or two words, i think. Ultimately, it has to come back to that reflection of what does it mean to you personally. I think there are some core fundamentals that we've forgotten how to look after ourselves and how to put ourselves first. That's a big part of it.

03:03

What recharges me and tops up my battery is going to be something different to someone else, but I think just taking that time to add self-care as a practice into our lives and being able to press pause, giving ourselves permission to press pause and look after ourselves, especially as busy moms, i think that's what it's all about. It's a little bit of mindset, because I think we tell ourselves we're so busy and therefore we forget that actually self-care is a basic human need. Really, it's all our basic human needs that are mixed into this toolkit. No short answer to that one, but definitely an opportunity to reflect on what it is for each and every one of us individually.

Dr Olivia KesselHost03:48

Yeah, it might be even helpful. What do you do with self-care? I know for myself, especially when things get really stressful with my child. Then I realize, oh God, i've got to do some self-care now.

04:01

It's like okay, i've reached that point and then I'm like, all right, i have to go running. Well, because for me that's I have to find. For me, self-care is I have to find something that releases the kind of pressurized feeling that I'm feeling. So watching TV doesn't do that for me. Reading my books, sadly, doesn't do that for me. I have to do something active, and for me that's running. Well, where am I going to fit that in? I say to myself. So then I'm like, okay, i've got to wake up earlier to be able to do that, which then the sleep comes into it.

Kate FlowerdewHost04:29

Yeah, post-benefit analysis yeah.

Dr Olivia KesselHost04:33

You find a way to do it, but then the benefits are so life affirming. do you know what I mean? like I can actually be the parent I want to be by by putting that time in. what do you do in terms of your self care and how do you coach people to find their, their, their self care?

Kate FlowerdewHost04:51

Magic isn't looking at it Well. For me it's about a very holistic approach, if I'm honest, and so I think there's some core fundamentals which come back down to replenishing. Well, what we put into our bodies absolutely makes a difference at how nourished we are. If you had a sports car, you wouldn't put the cheapest petrol and oils in it. You'd probably look after it, and we want to kind of treat our bodies like they're really great sports cars and look after them and maintain them. So I think what we eat is really important, and we are absolutely in the world of fast food and ultra processed foods. They're not giving us what we need. In fact, they're actually adding a load to us because of the chemicals and everything else that get added in. So we know that the food piece is a real problem, because when we get busy, we do reach for the comfort foods, the fast foods, convenience foods, and I think there's something in trying to carve out that time to go back to just actually enjoying the preparation of healthy foods and really feeling like that mindful process of what we're putting in is all the. What we're putting in is also what's helping us from an outcome perspective.

05:56

I think you've already touched on the sleep one there. That's absolutely another core, fundamental. And again and no, for mums this is often such a difficult one. We give up some of our sleep in order to fit more into the day and we also, i think, become quite accustomed to listening during the night. I mean, i had sleep deprivation for three years. Once my son started sleeping through, it wasn't an instant I'm going to sleep better. I had to stop being in that position of constantly listening out for him. And you know, three years on, with finally at that sort of place where I'm getting better sleep, but then hormones come into it and all the other stress to do list, and so I think the sleep piece is huge and again, it's quite different for everybody. But if we're not unwinding, if we're not emptying our stress bucket during the day, then of course we're not going to sleep so well. Our circadian rhythms are out and our natural body clock And that's where I think that recharge piece of you you've got your running, that's the thing that really hits your stress bucket and gets it empty when it's starting to overflow.

06:58

I think there's a definitely a piece around movement. We weren't designed to sit as much as we sit. You know, our ancestors were moving all the time and therefore, you know, this sedentary life that we sort of tend to lean towards doesn't doesn't get us operating our best. So I think there's definitely a piece around movement, but some people might find that a nature walk is is the thing. Certainly, for me, connecting back with nature is always an instant restorative piece And I have times of my monthly cycle where hard and fast are really good, swims, great but actually another time of the month where I'm absolutely going to do yoga and that nature walk and that's that's me, that's, you know, like it's got to go down a notch when it comes to that kind of adrenaline piece, and so that's where it is a little bit different.

07:45

But I think if we can get those fundamental core pieces in place and permission to play as well like Adulting is really quite tough you add in parenting and you add in the send piece the chances are we've we're already stressed bucket overflowing, you know that's before we've even sort of gotten up and started the day.

08:05

So I think permission to add a little bit of light hearted play into it, trying to make light of the tough situations that we're in, having that little bit of fun time with friends, because our kids kind of teach us that, don't they? the kids know they just want to have fun, they want to play games when you want to get them ready and get out the door. But it's, it's how we can work with that little bit. Maybe the music on in the background just to get us, you know, in a better mood. You can't I was that, you can't be stressed if you're laughing or if you're feeling pure joy. You know, and so it's also recognizing a quick buzz with the music or even an essential oil might bring on some really nice feelings and that helps just calm that nervous system down. Ultimately, what comes the nervous system? room fight and flight way too much. What comes the nervous system? Lots of things in my self care toolkit, that's for sure.

Dr Olivia KesselHost09:01

Absolutely lots of things, and I think it would be interesting to unpick some of those. If we start with the first one you mentioned, which is nutrition, right, you know, oftentimes you're feeding your kids maybe you're feeding them fish fingers, or you're feeding them baby food, or you're feeding them whatever. So and I know I was guilty of this too so you eat off their plate, or maybe you don't eat, as you know, compared to see it go to waste.

09:26

How would you advise someone to kind of, if we're looking at each of those buckets nutrition, sleep, activity, i guess. How would you advise a mom to start making some changes into each of those buckets? you?

09:38

know, Especially because they probably saying I don't have time for this. Do you know what I mean? like this low on my priority list, you know. So you know how would you advise A mom who wants to make a change and I know we're gonna talk later about your wonderful Website, flourish, and how they can, you know, dip into that but just in a really broad sense, for everyone listening, what would be your words of wisdom?

Kate FlowerdewHost09:59

So I think it is absolutely baby steps. We do not want the idea of self care to become another pressure, another stress is completely the opposite of where they should come to And I think, ultimately, my first recommendation is is trying to create those times we can just press pause and give yourself time to think. Because when the world is going at this pace, we got information coming after, so the time we're not coming up for air, we feel like we're being swept along rather than actually the one in the control seat and I say control it. Obviously we can't control much in life, so it's a bit of a surrender to the process anyway, but it's just being able to say but I'm going to press pause, i'm actually going to be present and really think about where I'm at. I'm going to be the artist of my own life's picture, rather than it just sort of you know being slapped painting slapped on a picture and you suddenly think, gosh, that's my life. What?

Dr Olivia KesselHost10:57

How did that happen?

Kate FlowerdewHost10:58

And I think that moment then gives you a chance to actually sort of reflect a little bit and almost self correct am I on the right path and my own right track, and where am I going? And so, when it comes to food, we're not going to realistically suddenly magic hours of time in the week to cook and prepare all of these different meals and different foods. So I think it's about trying to always keep it simple. Are there, you know, natural ingredients, fresh fruits and vegetables that we can have in the house that are kind of go to that, create the staple? And okay, my son is six and he won't eat a bowl of salad yet. However, he loves crunchy carrots, he loves cucumber sticks and pepper and a bit of hummus, so he can have a version of that. I mean, that would be pretty good for me too. To be honest, i would quite happy with that as part of my meal. But you know I I certainly don't recommend making all these different meals, you know, etc. But I think chucking together a salad and a version of it for your child, chucking together a Stir-fry, there are lots of quick and easy things to do and we all need a cheap night, you know There are definitely Convenience foods and ready-made meals that don't have all the nasties in. It's just about looking at the ingredients and I think if We've kind of been talked to look for calories, but actually calories aren't all created equal and therefore looking at how many ingredients on a list on a packet that you Recognize as real, normal foods, versus e numbers and chemical names of things that probably aren't what we want to be putting on Into our body, that's a better approach, i think, to sort of eating well, but I always try and come back to the 80-20 rule. Give yourself some flexibility, have some fun and eat on the go. If you go into a party or whatever, you don't want to have to worry about what you're eating, but if 80% of the time you can have much more of that, ultimately what we used to eat before we had all of this packaged up.

12:57

I think, whilst it might feel like a stress to get going, that Investment and feeling like you're truly nourishing yourself, it comes back in space because you focus better, your energy is better, you sleep better. We know that if we're running on caffeine and running on sugar, we're just sending our blood sugar levels on a crazy roller coaster ride. So we're always going to crash out more from that And I'm not going to give up my morning coffee. I absolutely love it, but it's it's not what I Live on. If that makes sense, like I know that I'm going to nourish myself With all of these great foods, that truly, if I don't, if I don't have that, i I have withdrawal symptoms, like I instantly feel in my mind and my body the difference between eating, you know, a day of rubbish because I've maybe not planned ahead or been out, and in areas of London when I don't recognize the restaurants or cafes or whatever. But you know, for the most part there are always healthy options available. I know how easy is to want to reach for those comfort foods if we've had a rubbish night's sleep Or if we're feeling stressed.

14:03

And I think it's just trying to always come back to that mindfulness piece. If you can step into the present and really ask yourself what does being kind to me look like right now? Often it helps us to really think about More consciously, think about what we're consuming, and then that mindfulness piece also helps us to Recognize when the stress buckets overflowing. I always say can we try and get to like, oh, i'm five out of ten I this might suddenly spiral. I need to get some self-care kind of stuff in now, before it gets up to eight, because once it gets to eight, anything could happen. It's gonna overflow and that's when, as you say, that regulation of our emotions is not great role-modeling for our kids. They need that calmness and we're not necessarily giving them that. If we're all kind of exploding And we've all been there and there's no shame in it, it's there's no judgment in it.

14:56

You know I'm the worst for it at times, but that's when I know, gosh, like I really do need to do something here and whether that is a five minute Timeout, you know if you can connect with nature in that five minutes or do a breath work exercise Just even being conscious of your breath is so, so powerful.

15:17

We do struggle with big workouts right, they take time, but I'm a big fan of five minutes just going to do I don't know, a bit of yoga on the landing, in between meetings or, you know, a quick walk around the block if we don't have time for that full workout.

15:33

But I do think there's that sort of in the moment, recognizing what you need, also scheduling. If you do not schedule time and protect that time for you, the chances are it's not gonna happen because it just runs away with you, doesn't it? the week just goes, whereas if you can be really conscious about having a plan and sticking to a plan and asking people to help, so if you know you want to do your run at X time and you know You need someone to mind your child or you want to get to that yoga class, it's about having that rhythm and that routine and that plan in place and sometimes that goes out the window. I'm sure we'll talk about school holidays at some point, but it's always sort of feeling like you've got some degree of control over these things and then you can kind of go Uh okay, you know it went out the window, but I'll get back on track because the plan is, the routine is the healthy habits ultimately.

Dr Olivia KesselHost16:26

Yeah, and it's interesting because you know when you it's the reward that you get for the healthy habits, that keep me with healthy habits, so like. And it actually took some self-realization because you know, thinking about alright, i think a dominoes, it's so easy, you can pick it up, i'll have a dominoes and I'll have a big cabaret chocolate and that that used to be my Friday, like treat for myself. And then I start to actually think about it right, like how do I feel after eating? that? I feel sick, i have to take an acid pill, sometimes wake up and take another one. But this is my treat, this is my nirvana. And then I start to think about it. Is this really good? and then I started eating healthy. I'm like well, i'm feeling really great, my joint pain is gone, i have psoriatic arthritis and I'm like well.

17:07

Actually, my mind has convinced myself that this is a treat and this is gonna make me happy, but then, on reflection, it wasn't making me happy you know so so now I make like a courgette pizza with cheese on it, i feel lovely after eating it. I don't need to eat. I don't need to have acid pills Yeah, and I'm but there is a shift on what we you know what we view is maybe easy and You know what is a treat. I've gone through a kind of revolution in that and actually even with my child as well.

17:36

Isn't this yummy food? Well, mommy, this is yummy, you know so there's a shift there.

Kate FlowerdewHost17:43

And sometimes for some people that shift comes when they reach Aha moment, and it's unfortunately because often we've either reached burnout or we have some sort of inflammatory disease. It gets us a burning platform.

17:58

Yeah, there's something that just says, wow, what am I truly doing? and you know, for other people It just might be. You know, i've had a good experience of that health kick and I want to get back to feeling that good. And, especially with exercises, exactly the same, isn't it? You can think about all do I go and do that exercise? Well, actually, how do I feel if I do? how do I feel if I don't? and sometimes you genuinely say, you know what? I'm too tired and I'm gonna feel worse for it.

18:24

But it's being able to really again in that moment, really make conscious decisions Rather than being swept away, and I think that first step truly has to be just being able to say I'm pressing pause And I'm really connecting with the present moment. I'm, i'm really thinking about what I need if I thrive, my family thrives, and I think that's the bit that we've completely lost track of along the way, something about becoming a mom. The nurturing side just takes over and so everybody else's needs come first, and That's just crazy. I mean, we've all been there and done that, and it took me pretty much getting to burn out when my little one was, you know, really little, trying to juggle it all to have that aha moment and, just looking back, i think half of it is when you're really exhausted. You don't see the wood for the trees, so you're not really making the best decisions.

19:15

As you go, i look back and think to myself why on earth did I didn't ask for help with that, or why on earth was I trying to achieve that when that was so not the priority, you know? So I think there's a lot of that sort of self reflection and a little bit of being a bit Yes, be kind to yourself, but also, let's be honest, let's be brutally honest right now. And Is what we're doing truly good for ourselves? Is it really good for the people around us? Because you know, even the food piece, our kids learn about healthy foods from us And, yeah, they might burn off all the sugar etc That they might have, but it might not be helping them on their journey and their Concentration and everything else. So if we're not prepared to make some of those Really conscious decisions, then it's gonna be hard to expect our children to do that. So, yeah, i think there's a lot of layers to it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost20:07

And there is kind of that that helps you when you're thinking, oh, i'm being selfish doing that. If you actually reframe it in your mind and say, well, actually, my behaviors are going to be modeled by my child, so if I can show my child how important it is to take the time to do those things, you're actually instilling in them a kind of roadmap for their life. Is how I look at it going forward And you had brought up already a little bit about, though, all of this kind of you know because when they're at school and you have more flexibility, even if you're working full time, you have more flexibility when they're at school.

Kate FlowerdewHost20:39

There's a routine at least, yeah.

Dr Olivia KesselHost20:41

Yeah, Yeah. And then that all goes out the window when they're off school. So what advice can you give to parents or moms, particularly when the kids are at home and you know, maybe you've got a good self care routine? You have to. You know what do you do? It doesn't. It doesn't fit right. It doesn't fit the same the same way it does when they are in school.

Kate FlowerdewHost21:02

It's so funny because I just remember when my son was sort of making that move from nursery that have been full time pretty much all year long to then go to the school, school routine, and people are saying, oh, you're prepared for it. And I'll say, yeah, what are you going on about? You know, it's been a nursery, it's not going to be that much different. And then, of course, the first school holiday came and I was like this is just crazy. Nothing can like prepared me for this And I think it's taken a few years to kind of get for me to even realize exactly what it takes.

21:34

But one of the key things I absolutely know is that the routine does change, but if routine is still really good, so having a plan up front on what that's going to look like. So, yeah, there's a little bit more of that sort of laissez-faire. Okay, let's roll with it, it's a holiday, but the core structure of certain things still needs to be in place. So, for example, you know, when are you going to have those bits of true self care? Yes, there's the daily self care that needs to happen the eating well, the sleeping well, the trying to keep moving, but like the yoga class or the run the thing. That's truly the thing that like hits the spot for you. When are you fitting that in Now? some stuff I think is great You can do with your kids, like my son loves getting the yoga mat out and doing a bit of yoga with me, although it's probably going to be the like kids, yoga rather than the stuff I want to do, but we still need that time away.

22:24

So I think the more we can plan and schedule those things in ultimately recognizing it's just not going to happen if we try and wing it. And I, you know, i speak to mums all the time that have tried to wing in it And they always promise themselves they're not going to do it again. And then the holidays creep up and like oh gosh, i still haven't kind of got these things booked. And again this is that piece around. You know how can you ask for help? You can't have your kids 24, seven and not have a break from it. You know, like no one goes to work every day of the week and of every hour of the day. You know we all need breaks in that routine. Who can help? You know, even if it's a neighbor, it takes a village, right. You know it's it's being able to ask those questions and other mums that are prepared to do swaps and things.

23:13

Like you know, i think that takes time to know who you can go to, and especially when you go from sort of nursery to school, you're kind of building a new network and stuff. But the more we can get to that place of just being comfortable asking and doing favors for each other. I think that helps on two levels because, number one, it gives you that time, but also you're building friendships and community, and we know that that is so powerful for our mental health and well being. If we feel supportive, if we feel we've got people we can confide in and and have those deep bonds with, that makes a huge difference. That is one of the things that's been studied around. Longevity, and you know that's really quite massive And women are better at connecting with each other. Right, we do nourish our friendships quite well, but I think it can be difficult when we are in the thick of it. I think it's one of the things that we forget to do.

Dr Olivia KesselHost24:10

I think there's also, i think, when you when you're a neurodiverse?

24:13

parent and maybe your child doesn't, you know, respond in the way that other children respond. There's a hesitancy, maybe, to have your child go over to someone else's house or without you being there, and so there, but but that's not saying that it's not still important And it is finding and I've had lots of guests on this show and usually one of their top tips is finding your tribe. So finding finding other parents, who, who know how to manage, and you know, be that that that step in for you, or whether that's family members, whoever it is, you have to, you almost have to try a bit harder and carve that that space out, because sometimes it can be really challenging even for the child to go somewhere else.

Kate FlowerdewHost24:57

So it's it adds a layer of complexity, yeah, yeah.

25:01

And I think there is that Sort of being brave element, being vulnerable. You know, like I remember with my son. He has a bit of a speech and language delay and it's caused all sorts of things over the years. He's six now, so most situations he can deal with. But I always sort of remember it's in those early days of social situations having to feeling the need to kind of like explain Things, but I didn't actually know what I was explaining. But you know, the meltdowns and things were so extreme. I kind of felt like I didn't know exactly what was going on and I felt like people could be judging if I didn't give some sort of degree of Explanation. And so it is.

25:41

It is absolutely an experiment, the whole thing, isn't it? and over time you find The people that are maybe going through something similar or just really Understanding and caring and want to help, and other people that you just think, okay, well, they're in a very different setup to me, so we're probably not gonna hang out, you know, and that's okay too, but I certainly have. I felt so much better for getting to know the mums and the parents and the kids. So just have their different things, they're different quirks, they're different ways of doing things And whether it is with neurodiversity or just the fact they're super shy. You know like it's funny where the kids make friends right, they can be complete opposites and suddenly connect and it's just, it's wonderful to see.

26:24

But I think, yeah, i think ultimately, even if you've got one person that can just help out, it's it's about getting into the rhythm of doing that, and holiday time in particular, i think, can be carnage and chaos. And so, yeah, how, how do you can create a little bit that car. And my, my big go-to is if we're gonna hang out, you know, if we're gonna do something, it's got to be with nature around us, because then we'll both have that sort of instant sense of calm and The chance there's big open spaces to run around and let us seem, but it's in a sort of environment that we can both benefit from. I'm not into those big play zones with all of the. I just think, yep, my son will love it for a minute, and then there's bound to be some sort of meltdown and it's just. I just Feel tense the moment. We are even sort of talking about it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost27:10

So I'm so there with you, like it's like you know, i'm like no, we are we, we are not going there, and I, my daughter's learned how to ride a bike, so she rides a bike. I run behind her and the dog kind of goes in between us and it's we both get it by the river. It's a win-win-win, you know it's. So if you can find those things where it's doing yoga with her, for me Doesn't work because she's you know, she just Becomes a nightmare but yeah, it's fine, it's funny things you can do by yourself and also with your kids.

27:38

That Decreases your bucket as well. And you have created this amazing resources I guess I would call it called flourish, which actually can help parents, or moms in particular, to do challenges. And I've been, i've been looking through it and you know, there's there little snippets where You know I don't remember what it's called, but there was one where the you know it's dancing and it's you know it's 20 minutes where you can, you know yeah.

28:06

Can you tell us a little bit about what you've created, because it's also that's a great resource that you could use in holidays, where you don't have to leave your house and you can actually tap in and have someone help you with. Okay, i've pressed pause. Now What do I do, you know? yeah, yeah, absolutely, because actually he turns in that it's sometimes that's when everything comes up Right.

Kate FlowerdewHost28:25

It's them. You sometimes need a process, and that's a really good point. So ultimately, and After having my son, and I was already working as a well-being coach I've been fascinated in health and well-being for for my life really, and especially as an adult, and I I was already helping a really diverse mix of people with Coaching and well-being activities. But once I became a mum, i realized that actually Those go-to things I took for granted were just suddenly gone and then you add in a lockdown.

28:56

And no one was even able to leave the house. I was like what on earth are we going to be able to do to keep that self-care Peace moving? and I think also my experience of that three years of sleep deprivation, you know, if I had a window I'd be such brain fog. I wouldn't have a clue what to do with it, you know, to get the best bang for my buck or that time spent. And so over the course of The last year or so I I just thought I just felt so kind of compelled to build something that was ultimately for busy mums overwhelmed homes, overstretched mums and it's an online resource. So it's called the self-care accelerator for busy mums and there's various different sort of membership programs within that. But ultimately it's an online resource with a really holistic Toolkit. So there's a course in. There's actually two courses in there. I've put the ultimate self-care toolkit, which was my original course of all those kind of core foundations How to rest, recharge, replenish, resilience is like a really holistic toolkit which is kind of good for anyone and everyone. It's learning, those foundation building blogs. But then I've also built something that's much more about getting mums out of the thick of it and really being able to press pause, find time and Work on hormones, work on that self-care in a sort of self-love way, even looking at confidence and that sort of thing, but within the Sort of online library, if you like.

30:20

There's also lots of challenges and I use the word challenge But I'm always kind of like really careful around this. This is about gentle nudges. I might call it the 21 day challenge, but absolutely take 21 weeks if you want to. You know like it's just about building tools, you know, with that commitment to yourself of being able to build on them day by day or week by week. And yeah, we've got various different coaches. So the beautiful Melanie's coming in, done some Coyote and breath works. This is her kind of area of expertise. I've got a dear friend, faye, who's a real sort of expert in aromatherapy, and so she's got her tips on aromatherapy for de-stressing. So yeah, there's all sorts of experts that sharing expertise. So you can sort of take it as a course and work through it, or you can just dip in and find the different things.

31:08

And there's different layers of membership. So there's ones where you can work with me one-to-one as well as joining group activities as well. So we run like a group One to a group coaching every month and a group webinar every month. So there's all sorts of different sort of add-ons, depending, but for me what I think the kind of primary piece of this is it's accessible For you wherever you are, and if your window of Opportunity to do some self-carries at six o'clock in the morning, then it's just there. You just literally have that hub. You can actually even have it as an app on your phone And then if you are wanting something more from a community perspective, there's people in there sharing their experiences And you can come along to the monthly Causes and things and then you actually feel like you've got that added layer of support as well. So it's really designed to be flexible And I'm sure dads need this stuff too.

32:01

But I decided it needed to be for mums because in my experience mums go through a very different experience of parenting And you know, even the working mums still end up taking on that nurturing role and the lion's share of Project house management, kid to school management, researching, all the stuff, management. It just seems to be where mums end up having a lot more stress and maybe dad's just better. It can come up compartmentalizing, maybe guys just a used to sort of having to give up something to get something else. But I think for women we're trying to do it all. We, some where along the line, got taught that we need to be Homemakers and nurturers as well as having these careers. Or we might give up a career but then have care responsibilities like it's just endless. And because we do Ruminate, because we are the nurturers, typically we don't switch off from that so well.

32:52

And that's where, as you say, the TV is kind of almost like a band-aid. I do think it's got its place to watch something funny or to watch something really sort of. You know, that takes you into that moment. That's great. A lot of what was on TV is actually really stressful and it's getting your adrenaline going and it can be quite addictive And we stay up later. And then you it's a bit like that pizza that you talked about. Did it really fulfill me on any level? No, it's actually made it worse, you know.

Dr Olivia KesselHost33:19

My girlfriend's. Now we have a. We have a. We call it a Netflix hangover. Do you know what I mean? You haven't stayed up drinking, but you've stayed up watching the next episode, the next step. And then you're like, oh my god, you know I was really been enjoying this, but now it's, you know, one o'clock in the morning.

Kate FlowerdewHost33:33

Yeah, some of those when I've done that I've ended up not switching off because my brain has been so active And it's just been going over and over and it's like this is just crazy, you know, like I've got to have time away from the screen. So for me now, you know, family film is a really lovely family event. But actually the box sets are definitely done in a much more sort of responsible way and for my own sense of well-being, working out what that needs to be. And so I get when people say it's just easy, i just switch it on. It's like hearted entertainment.

34:05

But what I then say is but when are you actually really connecting back to you and Thinking about what you truly need in your, in your space? So for me, my diary, my journal, every evening is like probably Much more my go-to than, say, the TV, because I can work through whether it be gratitude journaling or Just reflecting on the last chapter, making a plan for the next chapter, like I just feel so much better in myself doing that. I know it's not for everybody, but most people that I talked to that give journaling ago, find a lot of value in it And it's that great. You know, your journal will listen to everything you download into it. Right, it's just there to just absorb it all, and then you start making sense of it, and yeah, so I think that's another really great one to add into the toolkit.

Dr Olivia KesselHost34:50

And then you sleep better because you've almost you've vomited it all up, right So.

Kate FlowerdewHost34:55

On that page. You can just switch off that brain and and, to be fair, that's a big part actually of the hubs that I've created. The activities are very reflective on the whole the coursework. You know the whole thing is taking you on a journey, it's unpacking the layers, it's helping to make sense of things with little activities. And you know, as you said, you found one with the Coyote, which is a Dance activity basically, so you can dance out all the stress, basically, and there's one around breath work. So there are some of those More kind of physical things to do, but a lot of it is grab a notepad We've got handouts as well with it. You know, work the activity and just empty it out and make sense of things and plan and that sort of thing. It's a bit like having a coach, but without actually working once one and unless you want to do that part of it as well, which is again part of the program if you want it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost35:46

So yeah, i, it's a fabulous it's a fabulous resource, you know, for people, so well done in creating it. It's a, you know, and we will have the links to it on on the podcast and on my website too, so people can go and explore it and you can do a seven-day free trial. So you know you can. You can test it before you buy it, which I think is great, and you don't ask for a credit card, which is something that I I Absolutely think is fantastic, also because I I end up paying for subscriptions that I have no idea about, you know.

Kate FlowerdewHost36:18

It's a whole new world and I'm really conscious of that. You know, not everybody's gonna, you know, enjoy the content or find it quite works for them. So absolutely commitment free. But yeah, come and give it a go. And also, you know, i'm always open to doing like a discovery course so I can show you around or give you a feel for things, because We know that, with all these things, who you work with, who?

36:43

you connect with. It Comes naturally or it doesn't. And you know this with the teachers that you're talking to and the friendship groups etc. You can't force it if it's not there, But you know it's. I'm always open to exploring those things. So I think it's just a really nice thing and spreading the word, you know, Just getting that help out there to people for me That's the biggest Driver is sort of knowing how much I wouldn't say suffered in silence because that seems it really extreme.

37:12

But I know those moments in time when I really didn't know what to do, and I was a well-being coach already and I was struggling because I just needed something To sort of pull me through to the next step, not be pictured Just what's next step, baby steps, and so I think you know most of us kind of, we do survive, but there's a big difference between surviving and thriving and I think you know that's the bit is, what does it take for us all to flourish and thrive, and giving each other the opportunity for that? So, yes, please spread the word.

Dr Olivia KesselHost37:42

I think you know it's absolutely, we will help each other so, in terms of as we end the podcast and I do this to all of my guests- have been forewarned. What three top takeaway tips would you give to our listeners today that they can take away in their back pocket?

Kate FlowerdewHost37:59

I struggled with planning for this one so much because you know there's just so many things, but I think it coming comes back to. Initially There's a permission piece. I said about pressing pause, but for me, the bit before that is giving yourself permission to press pause, giving yourself permission to go on this journey, giving yourself permission to actually Explore what it is that does fill your bucket again, and not with stress but with pleasure, because I think we can get a little bit lost, we lose our sense of self. So that pressing pause and giving self permission, i think Going back to basics is also a really good one, because sometimes It's your very first question was what is self care?

38:42

Ultimately? we can get a little bit overwhelmed with all the stuff that's out there And if we can just get those basics fundamentally in place you know, eating well, sleeping, well, moving that really does, really does help. And then I think the third and final one is you know what's your thing? for me, i've discovered that nature is ultimately Such a big, such a big part of what makes me feel good And for someone else or for yourself delivery, it's running right. So find your thing and it might make sure.

39:14

Yeah, there you go. So that's even better, isn't it? double up.

Dr Olivia KesselHost39:18

I sometimes I have to run just on my track, my treadmill, especially during the holidays, and it's, it's a cheap, like flat thing It's. It looks like, you know, one of those walkways in the airport doesn't even have like handlebars on it, but you know, that's something I can do in the holidays if I can't get out and go for a ride.

Kate FlowerdewHost39:32

Yeah, it's the spot and and that's ultimately it isn't it. You can have your kind of all bells and whistles. This is what happens in a great day or a great week, but what are the fundamental things? What's the thing that really kind of hits the spot? So, yeah, that's, that's the thing, and it's so different for each and every one of us. So, permission to have fun as well and explore it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost39:52

I think those are three great top tips and I think you know Especially permission, because we, we, just we almost think we're failing as, as mothers, that we need help or that we need to do something For ourselves. There is that kind of culture of you you can do it all and everyone does it all. So I think that that that is just a Really good tips to end on, as well as the other two, but that won't give yourself permission, even in the holidays, mums out there.

Kate FlowerdewHost40:17

Take care of yourself.

Dr Olivia KesselHost40:22

So thank you so much, kate, for coming on the show and sharing your words of wisdom with us. It's much appreciated. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for listening. Send parenting tribe. Please rate or review the show in your podcast app as it will help the algorithm to share with more people. To access Kate's program, please either visit wwwsendparentingcom, episode 33, for the link or you can find it in the podcast notes. You can join the Norrish group for free for seven days, with no commitment or credit card, to see if it's for you, wishing you a week ahead where you pause and think about your own self-care.

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