EP 31: Summer Holidays: Tips for Neurodiverse Families with Tamsyn Hendry

Speaker Tamsyn Hendry SEN Advisor

Please excuse any errors as this transcript has been automatically generated

Dr Olivia KesselHost00:05

Welcome to the Send Parenting Podcast. I'm your neurodiverse host, dr Olivia Kessel, and, more importantly, i'm mother to my wonderfully neurodivergent daughter, alexandra, who really inspired this podcast. As a veteran in navigating the world of neurodiversity in the UK education system, i've uncovered a wealth of misinformation, alongside many answers and solutions that were never taught to me in medical school or in any of the parenting handbooks. Each week on this podcast I will be bringing the experts to your ears to empower you on your parenting crusade. In this episode we will be welcoming back Tamsen Hendry, zen Advisor with over 18 years experience as a Zen Co. So welcome back, tamsen. It is such a pleasure to have you back on the Send Parenting Podcast. Your episode with the 10 top tips for high impacting parenting was a huge success and really gave a lot of value to our listeners.

01:08

And as we're now in the summer holidays, i thought it would be really great to get your views and opinions on how we can actually navigate the summer holidays with our children, and you know it's super interesting.

01:20

I've looked at some of the research on how the summer holidays actually impact parents and actually 40% of parents have increased stress, anxiety and dread coming up to the summer holidays And then you also have neurodiverse kids whose routine is changing and their stress and anxiety levels go up. The different kind of sensory assaults, kind of to themselves increases. So it's a stress field. It can be a stress filled and anxiety filled period of time when you really want to have a happy and enjoyable time off of school and at home. So I'm really excited to pick your brain with all your wonderful solutions that you have on how we can navigate it, and I guess I'd like to start with just being at home. So you know what I mean. You're, you're in the holidays. You no need, no longer need to wake up, get dressed, go to school. How do parents navigate being at home to kind of decrease that stress and anxiety level for both themselves and their kids?

Tamsyn HendryGuest02:20

Difficult one. So I would say the most important thing to remember is our children know us as well as we know them. So if we are going into that situation feeling stressed and anxious, they are going to sense that. So I think it's really important to to regulate ourselves before those. Some holidays are coming.

02:41

I think it becomes slightly easier for people having experience lockdown because they realize that they can and you absolutely can do it, and I think it's there's a lot to do with planning, but in a framing that in a different way. So, as a working parent myself, we think, okay, i'm going to take this week off, and I'm going to take this week off. And because often we've got guilt around the fact we're working, or even, if we're not working, guilt that actually our children is going to sit home for six weeks, we tend to absolutely pack those those days And really complicated if you've got a child with needs and a child without needs, because because what they need and what to give them a great time are completely different. So I would say the first thing is to look at your local area. What's on offer? Lots is on offer if you're staying at home, if you're having a staycation.

03:40

There's lots of offering, why if you've got a YMCA in your area, they often have holiday clubs that are running, so they're normally cheaper than other holiday clubs and they have a much higher ratio of staff to children And all the children in there have different needs. So you can go along, talk about your child and then they can cater for. Does this child need full time support whether with us, or do they need a small amount of support whether with us? So they also offer days out. So I think there's is important to say, to remember, particularly if you've got more than one child and a child without need. Actually, that child is going to go to the YMCA for a day And that's going to free me up to go to a theme park with the others if it's too much. So I think, look at what's in your local area And your local authorities local offer will have a directory of what's going on in your area And that can be anything from storytime at the library to a bug hunt in a park. So there's lots of stuff going on And you can find that on your on your local authorities local offer.

04:49

In regard to send families, also, i think it's it can be really helpful if there's two of you in the household to look at your week and say it's okay that we don't do everything together. So if you've got children that want to do things every day for seven days, if you have a child with the need where that's an overload that you take it in turns And one of you says, okay, we're going to do every other day with this child because that's better for them. So planning your week but not packing your week are. And also to realize if you can try and replace the word guilt of you know you can make you feel really guilty. If three of the children are going to theme park and you're staying home with one of them trying to replace that mindset with, actually this is in their best interest, it's going to be too much.

Dr Olivia KesselHost05:43

Quite frankly, I'd rather stay home with the child.

Tamsyn HendryGuest05:50

Also in relation to that. it's about saying Okay, we're going to talk to your child about what they want to do Do they want to go to the theme park or do they not? Because actually they often know what they need. So not realizing that you don't have to do absolutely everything together. I'm a single mum and I've got a friend and she's also got a child with a need. So we take it in turns. So one of us will take the younger ones out to wherever they want to go and one of us will stay home with the other two children who actually, whatever we're planning is going to be too difficult for them. So it doesn't necessarily. it's about tapping into that community again that I talked about having people that understand the situation and can support you.

Dr Olivia KesselHost06:41

Absolutely finding that tribe, and I also think it's important. You know, it's interesting to me is like if the days are just unplanned, in terms of not like planning going out and stuff like that, but also having those kind of routines that you have in school, maybe a little bit later in the day, so you get up, you get dressed, you do those type of things, those really decrease stress and anxiety from my daughter's perspective in terms of OK, i know what's going to happen, i know when it's going to happen And I know that it's not completely unstructured day, which I think for her at least and I know from other kids, it can be. It can be too much to be completely unstructured.

Tamsyn HendryGuest07:18

Yeah, and to also create a routine within that holiday framework. So you might say OK, on Mondays we're going to go swimming through the holidays.

Dr Olivia KesselHost07:27

And on.

Tamsyn HendryGuest07:27

Fridays we're going to have a movie night on, and keeping you know it's very easy for us when we, when we finish work, I know I think, oh, that's it. You know that's our mindset pre-children of oh, I've got a holiday, now I can relax. Actually, it just looks very different when you've got children. So maybe every other day have something that you do and you keep that really consistent through the holidays. And Monday we're going to go swimming, Wednesday we're going to go to the park, And Friday we're going to have a movie night. So they've, they've got something to hold on on to within that And also is tempting to say, actually bedtime is going to get out the window because it's a holiday and it doesn't matter. But actually for your children, that anchor might be really, really important.

08:12

And I think it's also important to think about timings of the day. So if you're going to go to the beach, you don't have to go to the beach for the whole day. You could go to the beach early and leave by lunchtime, or you can get to the beach at three o'clock and leave later. You know lots of places you go. If you arrive later in the day it's quieter And also you don't pay the full fee. So, thinking about those timings, that you can still have a beach day, but it doesn't have to be a whole day, It can be a section of the day. So really really thinking about who are they, What do they need They're still going to need those things in the holiday and just taking off this, this picture in your mind of what the holiday is going to be like, and just going with what actually is Yeah, absolutely.

Dr Olivia KesselHost09:00

Sometimes, we have such preconceived notions And then, when it doesn't match up to what's happening, i think that's probably what causes a lot of the stress and anxiety from the parental perspective, definitely, and we you know I have a I don't do it anymore but I always had a holiday cupboard.

Tamsyn HendryGuest09:15

So in that holiday cupboard were things that were not available to them any other time. So I replenish it and swap with friends and toy libraries. And in there were interest things that you know, like I would never let my children make slime, but in the holidays I did And that was in the cupboard. So in that cupboard I restocked and replenished. Doesn't have to be expensive things, but there's always something quite interesting in there. And also it's really important that it's OK for children to be bored. You know it's OK for them to be bored.

09:45

And that's when they start to be creative. So don't put this pressure on yourself either financially, emotionally to make sure that every second of the day is packed, because that's not real life And we kind of create these pictures for ourselves that holidays need to be this absolutely magical time, But actually often the magic happens when you just let everybody be.

Dr Olivia KesselHost10:12

Yeah, and it's a time to recharge, which we forget sometimes. you know it doesn't have to be, you know. I've had people who you know, friends, who go on holiday and they come back saying we need another holiday because we pack so much into it. And that's they. I mean, i don't know about your children, but as we near the end of term, they are exhausted. Yeah, you know, they are tired.

Tamsyn HendryGuest10:30

They need they need to recharge.

Dr Olivia KesselHost10:32

Yeah, and I used to. I don't again.

Tamsyn HendryGuest10:34

I don't know. I used to, i don't again. we've kind of moved on from that. But I always spoke to the school before the end of term And usually the last three, four days of term I took my son out because it was the anticipation and buildup of the ending, that that it was just horrendous, those that last week. So I made a decision and I spoke to them about it. There were parties, there were plays, there were sports days, there were. it was just too much. And then we entered the holiday season. I was absolutely exhausted and low. normally He was up here anxiety wise. So by just I'm not suggesting everybody does that, but for me that really worked. You know what? we're just not going to do this today, which is not going to do this this week. And and he was always in schools, they didn't like it particularly, but they did accept what I was saying, which is I can't do six weeks. It'll take me two weeks to recover from this last week of school. So we just not going to do it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost11:32

Yeah, putting your child first. you know what I mean, yeah, and then you are definitely a tiger in that sense, which is I love about you. I think it teaches with a great I think all the parents listening would agree. Though. Now we've talked about staycations, what about, like you want to go away for a holiday and let's maybe just start in the UK? If you're going on a holiday in the UK, any tips for parents of how to navigate that?

Tamsyn HendryGuest12:00

So there are. I've actually sent you a link but there are so many holiday companies now that are recognizing that going away with child with a need is more complicated. So there's two things. One, if you've got financial constraints around the holiday, there's something called the Family Fund. So it is means tested. But you can apply to the Family Fund for a grant for a holiday And that's for children with special needs And they can also guide you about where would be a good place to go. So it might be a camping site, it might be a cottage, but usually you are.

12:39

The Family Fund is great for all sorts of funds but for holidaying it's a really good resource. And all of the all of the big ones you know, like Centre Parks, trying to think the National Trust, all of the companies that offer holidays where you can book through them, usually do have three or four cottages which are send friendly. So in there you might have beds with cop sides, you might have wet rooms instead of bathrooms. So as much as it's useful to all can be cheaper to put your own holiday. I would definitely go through agencies because they've got that information.

13:28

So there's so many. There's spectrum holidays, which is a charity leafy glamping in Devon, so those kind of places usually have less sites. So you might have four sheets in a small contained area with fencing around. So if you've got a runner they're going to be contained and that can be positive and negative, because sometimes if you're in an area where lots of the children have got the same needs, it can be quite unforgiving. But it depends what your feeling is as a parent. So for me it was always judgment. You know judgment not just about my parenting but people judging my son. So for me it was. I enjoyed being around people that kind of got it, you know, yeah absolutely, if it's friends from someone on holiday.

14:15

They suddenly thought that they you know we need to do everything together. You know I wasn't embarrassed because they just they understood. So I definitely think it's worth going through a company who can help you find exactly what you're looking for. And there are. There's pages, there's pages, and pages.

Dr Olivia KesselHost14:33

I'll include all of those resources for people to download from the website because it's, you know, it takes some of that stress out of it for the parents and it you know, you know your child and what kind of environment. You can talk to them about it and figure out which is the right place for you. Definitely.

Tamsyn HendryGuest14:49

And finding places you might have somewhere on a farm, you know so you don't again have to go out all day, every day. If you're what's always worked for me, i've gone away with extended family and we've gone. We've shared the cost and gone for big properties where there's a swimming pool and, you know, a pool table and a games room and a cinema room, so you can kind of, the days that you decide to stay in are still exciting for them. Yeah, absolutely, and so it is, i think, you. It's often helpful to get help in booking the right place for you So you're not having to cart with you cot sides and worrying about you know how you're going to wash them, how they're going to shower, depending on what your child's needs are.

Dr Olivia KesselHost15:33

Yeah, absolutely, And you know, finding that place that's going to give them the time that they can have downtime, I think is really important too, and not always packing it with activities. And then there's the even bigger kind of holiday where you want to go abroad, and there that comes out. the whole other host of you know issues like getting into the airport, on the airplane. What are some ways that parents can? what are some tips that you would give in terms of navigating what are really loud and controlled environments?

Tamsyn HendryGuest16:04

So I actually think it's probably more straightforward to go abroad because really, yeah, because all the big companies like Tui and all those really big companies and all the results have now really got it sussed. They realize what people are looking for. So now you can check in 48 hours before you go on a plane, so you can, and you can check in for assisted travel, so somewhere like I know, for example, edinburgh Airport does a social story that you can download. Gatwick has got a sensory room, so you contact them. As soon as you arrive. They give you a lanyard, so people know, and there's no cues, minimal cues. So you are, you're just whisked through.

16:47

I remember taking my son, something I hadn't thought about. He had to go through the X-ray machine and he had to go through alone And it was really difficult. It was, it was, it was a, i thought I at one point I thought we're not going to be able to do this And actually he had his lanyard on. They let me go through with him. So so they really, they really do help And it's things like they ask me questions do you want to be first on the plane or last on the plane? So for me, my son's better if something fills up around him rather than walking into a plane that's already full. But for other people it could reduce waiting times if they were on last and off first. So the airport is actually fairly straightforward. The biggest waiting time is getting your luggage, but they also will help with that, you know, for assisted travel, if you've got your lanyard on, they get it.

17:46

So so there was two things. One one one that could be difficult is children can't always understand that. They can't use the toilet when the lights are on the plane, so lots of thought needs to be given to that. So, depending if you're a child, you might have a child that's really struggles with incontinence or is fine. However, when they need to go, they need to go.

18:09

So I would say pull ups with the plane can make you feel calmer, which also can make them feel calmer, and it doesn't have to be a child's pull up. You can also get adult incontinence pads. So, thinking about the plane and that none of us know whether you could have an hour where they put the lights on and you can't get up from your seat, so that's really worth thinking about. And also taking your own food on the plane, which you are allowed to do if you've got special assistance, because children sometimes the flight is long and they may not eat the food. So, and also really helpful if they've got favorite programs, download them onto their tablets before you get on the plane, because then they're available to them through the flight.

Dr Olivia KesselHost18:55

Yeah, i even bring like a goodie bag of different things, because sometimes this you know they get bored of the screen time, so you know kind of like you're cupboard, but a bag with different things, some of them even wrapped up. that when you reach that, that, that moment where you need something special, oh here's this and then open it and it's something to do.

Tamsyn HendryGuest19:14

Yeah, And looking at your flight time. So I would always go for really unsociable times because they're tired. So there's more likelihood that they're going to. They're going to sleep.

Dr Olivia KesselHost19:27

And a cheaper flight.

Tamsyn HendryGuest19:28

Yeah, absolutely Night flights. I'm all for night flights. So and then when you get there, where you're looking to book for I think unless if your child doesn't have a physical disability we forget that we can book rooms, disabled rooms, and booking a disabled room could be life changing. They're always on the ground floor. If you book, you have to kind of think in advance. So I'm now booking for next summer because I want a disabled room pool facing, so that I can my daughter can play and and I can watch her and be there for her and also read my book and have a nice time And he can just go in and out as he wants to If he doesn't like the sun or it's too hot or it's too noisy. So that can be really life changing having a disabled room on the ground floor. They're normally really central And you know sliding doors, so it's really accessible for the children to seek that, that private space. So that's a good tip.

20:29

And to be, you know, to do that planning a year in advance, you know definitely last minute holidays are are, so this is not something I can do, because and also things like mum's net is really useful for asking other moms, you know, can you recommend anywhere? Actually, your podcast would be a really good one If everyone could send through their recommendation of where they've stayed and that people understand. Excellent idea. Yeah, i remember being on holiday and we woke up and you woke up in the morning and it was.

21:01

He was disorientated and it was hot and he was really stressed and had a meltdown that went on for about two hours and a guest complained about it and they used his name because I was using his name to calm him down. They called through the wall and told him to be quiet not in a very nice way, and it just made me want to go home. But actually management came down and they moved those people because we were in a disabled room. I've been really honest about what the difficulties were. I'd actually had breakfast with one of the managers of the hotel. He happened to be on our table So he'd seen what we were dealing with on a daily basis. So actually I think people are much more aware now. So, as much as it feels really overwhelming to be a holiday abroad. It doesn't have to be, but I do think you need to go through a travel agent, because they can help you find exactly what you're looking for.

Dr Olivia KesselHost21:58

And I can use the flip side of that story where you don't have that support in France at a like a nice chateau. You know, my daughter was eaten alive by mosquitoes. woke up in the morning I asked her to put her stuff in her backpack. It was like Hiroshima and it went on and on and on. Woke up everyone was 7 early, probably even earlier in the morning. The Frenchman came up, you know but then you must make your child quiet.

22:22

I'm like, yeah, i can't, and I can't even get downstairs, i can't even leave your establishment because there's three flights of stairs and I've got suitcases And it was. It was so stressful, yeah, yeah, very traumatic for her and for me.

Tamsyn HendryGuest22:35

Yeah, and I mean, if you look there's, there's so many on here for people to look at, but everything now down to holidays in Spain, holidays in France, ski holidays and most of these holiday destinations have been set up by families that have had exactly that experience. So they, you know, like we talk about with your podcast people can take a difficult situation and give back. There's, there's a whole market within the holiday sector that have done exactly the same and you go and they just have thought of absolutely. You walk in and the Wi-Fi code is like straight in front of you because they know it's the first thing that they're going to need.

23:12

So I think, don't be scared to go abroad, but be wise. You know, don't go rogue. I would say use, use companies that actually specialize in it, because it's in a in a. You know that's not being pessimistic, but there's, they've identified a gap in the market. So there is a really there's a really big gap and people are learning about it and and selling their themselves based on that. So use that, because they have thoughts of everything and always take a more to appreciate with you for the bed.

Dr Olivia KesselHost23:46

That can also be really helpful.

Tamsyn HendryGuest23:48

So I think, don't be scared of it, just just research it.

Dr Olivia KesselHost23:51

Yeah, and I think your point to any listeners out there that have great places to go. if they go onto the website they can leave a comment on this episode and give great advice to other parents of where it's really been a fantastic experience.

24:04

Yeah, and I like the idea of not going rogue. It's a good idea, yeah. And then there's also the expectations. You get somewhere and there's these expectations. You know you're going to go to the beach and it's going to be wonderful. You're going to go out and eat dinner and not have to cook, and it's going to be wonderful. And you know you're going to go to the tourist attractions where you know it's going to be wonderful You're going to. You know, increase their love of different countries, yeah.

Tamsyn HendryGuest24:29

That can all go Culture experience.

Dr Olivia KesselHost24:30

Yeah, yeah, that can all go belly up right. Yeah, definitely. And I think there's an element of having to put yourself in your child's shoes to understand what their I don't want to say limitations, but what their challenges might be and how to make it enjoyable for everyone. And I would love to pick your brain again, because you also you have both sides of the coin. You have your son and your daughter, who have different needs. How do you navigate?

Tamsyn HendryGuest24:57

your holiday experiences. Yeah, it's challenging, so it's always helpful. I'm a single parent as well, so that comes with its own difficulties. It goes back to building my community, so it's really helpful if you can go away with somebody else who also gets it, because there's certain things. So if you're, if there's two parents or there's two of you, it's much easier. So if there's one of you that desperately I don't know you might be in Paris and you really, really, really want to see Mona Lisa, or then that is something you can do by yourself. You don't need to drag the whole family to do it.

25:39

But with regard when you're holidaying with any children, it takes quite a few years to realize that holidays are no longer what they used to be and not to feel resentful about that. But it's again about planning ahead. So if I don't know about you, but if I'm on holiday, i don't. I don't want to watch the clock because I think I'm away. I have to watch the clock all the time.

26:01

It's lovely to go in the evening for dinner, to stroll around and find the restaurant that you fancy that evening, and that's fine. You can do that. But actually your child perhaps needed to have eaten before you do that. So it's just reframing things and think, well, i'm going to feed my child exactly the same time that I normally would, with all the foods they like, and then I'm going to go to the restaurant and it's going to be less stressful And I'm going to remove the screen time that I would normally allow them or the rules around.

26:30

We don't have screens at the table because there has to be some give and take. If you want to do that and you want to go and have dinner at eight o'clock at night on the seafront in that lovely restaurant, there has to be some compromise. So, yeah, do you know what? you can have your screen, you can eat before. I'm not going to expect you to join in with the conversation at the table. So I think it's it's about saying, in order to meet your needs and you have absolutely every right to be on holiday and have a meal at eight o'clock at night But to make that less stressful for you and them, perhaps feed them before and then you don't have to think about what they what they're going to like on the menu or not going to like on the menu. So I think, um, remember if you're a question it's how it's.

Dr Olivia KesselHost27:17

it's how to navigate things that you normally do on holiday. So like eating out is definitely one of them, and I know for me, like my daughter has to go to bed at a certain time because she wakes up at five o'clock.

Tamsyn HendryGuest27:27

So we do lunches now.

Dr Olivia KesselHost27:28

You know I've switched what you know and we go out for a nice lunch, but so you have, and then it's enjoyable for everyone. And in the evening, you know, we do things differently. So it's it's changing how you're perceived what we're going to do on holiday, and then finding that kind of middle ground, like, let's say, for example, the beach, right, the beach can be a sensory overload for some kids. So how do you take those baby steps into being able to enjoy the beach? And, as you say, if you have another person with you, with your other children, that can be really helpful because then they can stay longer. Or if you have a place which is close to the beach, where the child can, you know, go in and out as they like. Yeah, it's finding those compromises, i guess, is the way I would look at it.

Tamsyn HendryGuest28:11

I mean, my son does not like the beach, so sand is is is really stressful, so it's really hard to go to the beach and have a nice day, whatever I do. But in this country is easier because if, if I'm going on holiday near a beach, you can usually hire beach huts. That can be a lifesaver. So an added expense, but you can. you know, that's what I kind of think okay, disability living allowance is helpful for.

28:41

So you know, if you think, okay, we're gonna go to the beach for three days, we're gonna pick these three days that we're gonna go to the beach and we're gonna hire that beach hut for three days, that could be really helpful because you can set them up, they can have all their creature comforts, but you can be on the beach with your child because they're normally very close. So you might not be able to get to sit right by the sea. but I kind of try and time things. I look at the tides and I think, okay, the tide's gonna be quite high up, so I'm gonna be able to sit near a him and she's gonna be able to play in the water with the dogs.

Dr Olivia KesselHost29:10

however, that might be. I'm gonna have to recommend you this place in France because, literally, the Airbnb is right on the beach and you just got a broad walk, and then it's the beach. So actually you can go in and out and there's a little balcony so you could actually sit on there.

Tamsyn HendryGuest29:24

So it's finding those compromises, right, right, and with, again minor, older now, but when they were little. So I didn't have a rummer, but I used to go on holiday with people that had children that were rummers. So what we found was really helpful was we always took a blow up paddling pool and that went in the suitcase. Or you can buy them. Actually it's normally quite hard to buy when you're away, but you doesn't have to be a big one and we'd blow it up on the beach and we'd fill it with sea water and then we would get two windbreakers and bury them deep into the sand so make it really big space. So there was no escaping.

30:01

So and then you take it in turns because I think again, resentment can build. If one of you is stepping up all the time or one of you has a bigger anxiety about the child running away, then actually you can just do it half an hour on, half an hour off of watching them. I had a friend that had t-shirts printed for the beach that have the child's name and her phone number on there and it also said on the back I'm autistic, i'm non-verbal, my mum is.

30:34

You'll see the big windbreaker that she had it all printed on the t-shirt so that if the child ran away. And also high-vis jackets on holiday can be really important and helpful. Or always put your child in the brightest clothes possible so that you can see them. And I think there's some really great things you can buy now. Sea shoes, beach shoes are really really helpful kind of creating your. I go on the beach now and I look at families and I think, oh, you've got a child on the spectrum somewhere because they've got tents. You didn't get these pop-up tents that are really easy is being able to provide them with a surface that's not covered inside.

Dr Olivia KesselHost31:14

You say really easy, because I've bought one of those pop-up tents and I mean I had such a struggle with it. I had this gentleman come up. He's like it's because I wish I could help you but I have no skill. That's how embarrassing it was on the beach as I'm like trying to. You know I was trying to put it down. Putting it up is super easy, putting it back down again is slightly more challenge And not being embarrassed about your space.

Tamsyn HendryGuest31:36

So shade really important to be able to provide them shade and enough food. You don't have to leave that area. So it's kind of plotting create. There's all in the preparation, like with everything else, with our children, creating a space that's gonna work for them and also, again, accepting you can go to the beach but it may not be for a whole day. You know it could be till lunchtime or in my case it's always after breakfast and lunch. What is better for us? go in the evening?

Dr Olivia KesselHost32:08

You know it's finding the time that works for your family, but rather than saying we can't go to the beach, Yeah, finding what works, yeah, and taking the pressure off yourself to let go of the dream of what the dream is for the holiday. You know, i think our expectations sometimes destroy our enjoyment. If we let go of our expectations and just plan well but also live in the moment, it's so much better than yeah.

Tamsyn HendryGuest32:39

And it's like with anything. So when I go to work I might have a plan of what I need to do, but the first hour I kind of write off because I know I'm gonna be pulled into something that's going on seeing how people are troubleshooting, and it's the same on a holiday. If you've created this, if you've put all this expectation and created this lovely environment, it's so soldier-storing. If then it's not what you feel, it's not working, let's just pack it up and let's go home. My son, i can literally time to 20 minutes. You know, something's gonna be difficult for 20 minutes.

33:14

For other families it might be an hour, but give it a good go. You know, have some staying power, they will regulate, but it's just gonna take a little bit of time and then they may have a fab time. They may not, you know. But it's also like we say, setting up, we have these expectations. We can put that on the children. It's gonna be fine, we're gonna have a lovely time, you're gonna love it. We don't know if they're gonna love it. So it's just about. I hear you it's really difficult and now you don't like the sand. You put this blanket down so it won't go on you. You don't need to go in the water, you know, just sitting with it all for an hour and then usually somewhere between one and two hours, you think, oh okay, it's calm, they're okay, but it's not giving up too easily.

Dr Olivia KesselHost34:02

Yeah, because it is circumstances like that with the if you fire it, you wire it. It gives them that resilience. So you know, it might be a little bit challenging in the beginning, but they're actually I think you mentioned this on the other podcast too this is it's not what they want, it's what they need, and I thought that was really brilliant because actually this is helping them and each time you do something like that, it gets a bit easier and you start to realize that you can do it and that you can maybe even get some enjoyment out of it. You know.

Tamsyn HendryGuest34:32

And if there's, particularly if there's two of you, it could be helpful, because one of you might say do you know what? they've had enough. I'm gonna head back to the house with them and then I'm gonna take half of this paraphernalia that we've set up, and so that also your other child that may not have a need.

34:49

Doesn't associate negative connotations with your other child all the time that everything's bought to a close because it's not working for them. So, as much as you want to spend all your time together on the beach on your holiday, actually it's that acceptance of actually we need to do things slightly differently because this is what our family need.

Dr Olivia KesselHost35:06

Yeah, and the wonderful thing is that opens up a whole, a whole world of Not just saying I need to stay home and we can't do this.

35:14

You know, it opens up. It opens up the potential for everybody to get a little bit of what they need. Yeah, exactly, i think you know. Those are all fabulous Points, and before we end today, though, there's also one point that you brought up which I hadn't actually thought about, which is What about having a holiday just for you, a self-care holiday? I Have not been on one in the 11 years that my daughter has been alive.

Tamsyn HendryGuest35:44

There's a charity called carefree, and they have Amalgamated with lots of different hotels all over the country and the hotels have Chosen to offer Their services. So the link is on the on. The website is completely free. You can self refer and you log on to charity and say It's for yourself or one other person, so it's for care, is it? you can't go with the, the child that's got the need. You can go as a couple, you can go the girlfriend, i go with my daughter and Nice. It's a one or two nights day, depending on what the hotel is. Obviously, i think there's a 25 pounds admin fee and You obviously pay for your food and drink and everything else when you're there, but you don't pay for the room.

36:35

And what I like about the charity is Whether or not you could afford to To to go to that hotel and not and not go through the charity. It's about the fact that there is a charity that says you matter. You know enough people that have joined Organisations I have joined it to say we think you matter, we acknowledge what you're doing and therefore we're gonna gift you One or two nights and there's something, something really lovely, that makes you want to book it. So would I book myself a Two-day spa trip? probably would never get around to it. But if a girlfriend is to me, hey, look at this charity, let's do it. You and me Let's go away. You make it happen because it feels it feels like a gift And it feels like an acknowledgement.

37:26

So everybody does it differently. I personally need a bit of self-care before I go on holiday Because it kind of it prepares me for it. Some people want to do it afterwards, but you can. You can book onto this yearly And it just makes you carve a bit of time for yourself, which I think is really important.

37:45

And the same with when you go on a holiday with your family. You know there's nothing wrong with saying to your partner or your friend actually, why don't you go out to dinner tonight? Why don't you go find a lovely restaurant? You know, before I had children I would never have sat in a restaurant on my own res. Now It's an absolute treat to do that And just people watch, particularly if you're is more comfortable to do in another country, i think, because it's more of a cafe culture and Lots of you know it's more European to to eat on your own. So I think I think that that part is really important and if you, if you're listening and you Not heard of them, log on to them. If you're listening and you think of somebody that could benefit from it, send them the link, because it's it's something not many people know about and it's a, again, a charity that's been set up because somebody, somewhere, understood that need for self-care.

Dr Olivia KesselHost38:42

Yeah, i thought it's absolutely brilliant, you know, and it is so important to have those moments by yourself to replenish your, your battery, so that then you can be the best mom that you can be. So it's, you know, and I you know it's. It amazes me and we've talked about this before that all All these challenges we face and all these wonderful people out there that have taken that and made it into something really amazing to help other people is just, you know, i don't know. It gives you faith in humanity again, i guess.

Tamsyn HendryGuest39:12

Yeah, it's the way I look at it. It really does.

Dr Olivia KesselHost39:14

It really does. Let's. Thank you so much, tim's, and now I'm gonna ask you what would be your three top tips from this podcast that Parents can take away with them about summer holidays or any holiday really, for that matter.

Tamsyn HendryGuest39:27

So my three top tips would be remove the pressure, so don't feel the need to pack every day full of all these experiences. Just because you're in Disneyland doesn't mean you need to go on every ride. You know, just because you're in Spain doesn't mean you need to see every tourist attraction. Kind of kind of look at it, it's okay, we're gonna gonna do this for part of our day or every other day. And Also, we can do things separately as a family. We can. We can part ways. It doesn't mean that we're any lesser family. It just means that our family looks different and we need to to plan our holiday slightly differently. So that's the big one really think about What you perceive to be a really fun holiday and the reality of what will make it a fun holiday, which is usually less is more. I would say that that's a top tip point. I Would say really plan ahead. So use travel agents to help you find what you need. Don't be scared of going abroad, but do tap into all the support that's available to to you. You know, don't think, oh okay, it's fine, we'll get there early and we can join the queue. You know, really tap into these, these services, because if we don't use them, people won't understand Organizations won't understand the importance of them. So definitely I would say, plan and book through through companies and don't be put off of Going to Going abroad or going skiing or any of those things, because you'll see from the down, as I've said, there's every type of holiday you could possibly want. They are disability friendly alternatives. So have a look at that.

41:10

And My third top tip would be On beaches. On beaches, i would make sure your children have high vis clothes on so you can see them at all times. Really prepare your area and think about what you're gonna need. Take an hour on, an hour off, you know, so you both can have some relaxing time and also don't be worried to change the timings of things. So don't be worried to go to the beach early. You know you can have some relaxing time and also don't be worried to change the timings of things. So don't be worried to go to the beach early and leave early. Go to beach late and leave late. Go out for dinner late but feed your child before. So. So reshape What you perceive to be a good holiday. Ensure it meets, to make sure it meets the needs of your children with neurodiversity and your other children.

Dr Olivia KesselHost42:02

Yeah, absolutely. And you know not to be afraid to avail on any of these wonderful things if, if No one can see that your child Has challenges or is neurodiverse. You know, because I think probably some parents maybe feel a bit hesitant To to admit or to to avail upon that. But you know, don't?

Tamsyn HendryGuest42:20

you know use, use everything that's out there, and I always really feel for people that For their own views or on that part of their journey where actually they don't want to share with people What their children's difficulties are, because I've always been really out there with that, because I needed that. I needed people Not to judge me, not to judge him. I always felt I cope with the situation much better if, if I was very Up front about what the situation was. So you know, get the t-shirt printed with your phone number on it If your child's a runner, do whatever you need to do To make you better equipped to Regulate your own emotions when you're dealing with situations that are stressful.

43:05

And don't don't just decide we can't do it. So don't just decide a blanket. We can't go to the beach, we can't go abroad, we can't go on holiday. By doing those things, you find your way And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You normally learn more about a situation that hasn't worked. Then if you go away and have a great time. So and one bad day does not make a bad holiday, one bad day is just one bad day and one bad Morning is just one bad morning.

Dr Olivia KesselHost43:33

Absolutely, and you know what you'd have those at home anyway. Well, thank you so much, tim's, and I think that's really useful information that all parents can use on this holiday season and holidays to come, because I really think Plan for next year from this advice.

Tamsyn HendryGuest43:48

You know absolutely plan ahead because when people have found somewhere good If they normally book it straight away for the next year. So sometimes you might have to book not for this summer, for next summer. But once you get into that role you know you find places that really work for you.

Dr Olivia KesselHost44:05

Excellent. Well, thank you so much for joining us again, tim's. It's much appreciated. You're welcome. Nice to be back. Thank you for listening Send parenting tribe. Please leave a review rating if you're listening on Apple podcast or Spotify, as it will really help people find the show based on their algorithm. Also, all the great tips that Tim's and gave us today and additional resources can be downloaded episode 31 on our website, wwwsendparentingcom, or, if you've joined our mailing list or already have, we will email you with the free downloads to your email inbox, wishing you and your family a relaxed summer holiday.