SEND Parenting Weekly Blog Post: Challenging Traditional Parenting: Low Demand Strategies for Neurodivergent Children
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I’m thrilled to announce the launch of our weekly blog, where we’ll be highlighting key takeaways from each SEND Parenting Podcast episode. Our aim is to deepen the conversation, provide insights you can apply in your parenting journey, and build a supportive space for families navigating neurodiversity.
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This week’s episode 94 of the SEND Parenting Podcast: Challenging Traditional Parenting: Low Demand Strategies for Neurodivergent Children with Dr. Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker features a deep dive into low-demand parenting strategies with Dr. Naomi Fisher, clinical psychologist and author of Changing Our Minds, and Eliza Fricker, author and illustrator. Together, they have co-authored the highly anticipated book When the Naughty Step Doesn’t Work. If you’ve ever felt that traditional parenting advice backfires with your neurodivergent child, this episode—and their book—will be a breath of fresh air.
Traditional parenting advice often falls flat for many of us navigating neurodivergence. As I shared with Naomi and Eliza, I’ve been through the guilt, frustration, and isolation that come from following the well-meaning manuals that simply don’t apply to our children. The "naughty step," time-outs, or sticker charts—none of it worked for my daughter, and I know many of you feel the same. This episode breaks down why that is and offers a different way forward.
Low-Demand Parenting: A New Approach
One of the key themes of our conversation is that neurodivergent children experience the world differently. Naomi and Eliza advocate for low-demand parenting, a strategy that is neither passive nor permissive, but instead recognizes that some children have very limited windows of tolerance. When we place too many demands on them, they become overwhelmed, and instead of learning, they simply go into survival mode. This approach encourages us to reduce demands so that children can stay within their window of tolerance and learn in a way that works for them.
As Naomi pointed out, “What happens when the child doesn’t comply? Most parenting books don’t have an answer for that.” With low-demand parenting, the focus shifts from trying to control our children to getting alongside them and helping them develop skills at their own pace, without the pressure of rigid expectations.
Breaking the Cycle of Judgment and Guilt
A powerful part of our discussion was around the judgment we often face as parents—both from ourselves and others. We are constantly bombarded with societal expectations of what “good parenting” should look like, but when our children don’t fit into that mold, it’s easy to internalize guilt and blame. Naomi put it perfectly: “Good parenting TM,” as she calls it, sets parents up to feel like failures if our children don’t behave in line with societal norms. But the reality is, our children are not failures, and neither are we.
Instead of focusing on how others perceive us as parents, we need to shift our attention to what our children need in the here and now, even if that means stepping away from conventional wisdom.
The Power of Connection and Humor
Eliza’s illustrations and humor bring much-needed lightness to the heavy reality of parenting neurodivergent children. Whether it’s a cartoon of a child refusing to apologize after six hours on the "naughty step" or one reminding parents that sometimes we need to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, her work reminds us not to take everything so seriously. Humor and connection are vital tools for getting through the tough days and building a stronger bond with our children.
Practical Tips for Implementing Low-Demand Parenting
Start Where Your Child Is: Rather than pushing them to meet milestones or expectations that aren’t realistic, meet your child where they are and work with them from that point.
Reduce Demands: Lower the emotional and behavioral demands placed on your child to keep them within their window of tolerance. This is where they can learn and thrive.
Celebrate the Small Wins: It’s easy to overlook the invisible work you’re doing as a parent. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back—you’re doing an incredible job, even if others don’t always see it.
Final Thoughts
Low-demand parenting is about flexibility, compassion, and understanding that our children’s needs are different. It’s a long-term approach that fosters emotional security and trust, rather than relying on quick fixes or control. As both Naomi and Eliza remind us, when we step away from the rigid expectations of traditional parenting, we create the space for our children to grow and thrive in their own way.